I find it funny that Pandora ironically reads my heart better than most people in my life and, often, better than myself...but here I am, much like before, feeling a bit removed...a little bit sad....and a whole lot of unsure. I always come back to the same thing--that the people who truly want to be in your life will make the space and time to be in it....but somehow, I come back to the conclusion, often, that either A) I am not as much of a priority as I had hoped or B) All the words in the world do not make it so...meaning, you can tell me all of the time all of the things we will do but that doesn't mean we are actually going to do them.
Action. It's a funny thing...you're either doing something or you're not and often, it is just as much problem to be not doing something as it is to be doing that something. I think of how many times I turned people away and opportunities down....mostly fueled by fear....some by a desire to "wait and see"....and others due to a sense of my stubborn "I know best" attitude. Either way, here I am...plagued by those same questions and while I know there is a reason I am feeling them, I am trying to find out exactly what I'm supposed to learn in this very long lesson. I have, for so long, tried to make every step a large action....to live better in spite of all I've been through....but, truth be told, I'm tired...feeling as if all this action and inaction has made me more confused than before.
If I allowed myself the space to just let it all hang out there I'd tell you that I'm really sick of people still looking at me as if I should break at their feet....and, on the other side, I hate that people look at me as if I am less of a person for laughing and smiling and moving on...and I hate that I have been belittled, criticized, and the center of a 17 year old girl's frustration because my photography business is doing well and if I hear one more time that people only book with me because I'm cheap and that I've stolen people out from under her it will sure be even harder to turn the other cheek....I hate that poor decisions have plagued someone who once was so true to his morals and beliefs....and I hate that this house that I bought 3 years ago WITH my husband is the only piece of my life where our electric bill can still have Chris' name on it...because his social security number will be reassigned someday and his driver's license number maybe already has.....and one of the few things that remind me that he lived is the WPS and MPU bill that I can count on like clock work each month....and I hate that I wait for those very bills, just to see his name written by someone other than me. If I gave myself the real space to throw it all out there I'd tell you that people like me don't come around forever and just because what I look like isn't a 10 doesn't mean that my heart isn't a 15...and that HAS to count for something. I'd tell you that you need to take care of the people you love when you have the chance.....because MY GOD....the very people who tell you to live in the moment are the same ones who watch life pass them by....and it's not my place to judge you or them but don't tell me how to pick up the pieces when you've not walked for 30 seconds in these shoes. I'd tell you that I still question God...that He gets me at my worst and my best....and He loves me anyway--why is it so hard for me to just accept that and love Him back? Why do I have such a desire to be in control? If I gave myself the space to let my heart open wide I'd tell you that I have no idea what I'm doing...that so much of me still feels so broken...and that I put on a damn good front....that, if you don't poke or prod at me, you'd never know the internal struggles I face every day. I'd tell you that I hate doing it on my own but I can......I'd let you see that I let myself fall for my best friend who had no idea just how far I fell and now the "just friends" idea haunts me...because that very same friend with morals and values is the same person that I once envisioned a white picket fence with...and suddenly there is no fence, no hypoallergenic dog, and no 2.5 kids...and letting go of that is gutwrenching but necessary.
If I let it all hang out there, just once...for even five minutes....if nothing else, you'd see just how brave I am.
