another trip around the sun.

I had a beautiful conversation with one of my best friends the other night. She was discussing how one of our mutual friends gave an assignment in their poetry circle where you had to write something as if you were 75 years old and then as if you were 15ish, and now. She found that her 75 year old self was so content and happy but her 15ish year old self was angsty and dissatisfied. her present self also resembled more of her 15 year old self than that of her 75 year old self. So we came to this question.....

When does the shift occur, if ever?

When do all of our "have to's" and "I haves" become enough?

When we dissected it and counted our blessings, we certainly found more than a lot of other people have....yet we still desire more or we hang our validation and happiness on things that shouldn't be the source of it. When I stop and think about it that way, it's true. I measure my worth, often, on other people's opinions, where my time is spent, how successful I am in my career and my business and none of those things are what keeps me company at the end of the day or comforts me when I'm sad. Don't get me wrong....I love all of those things but let's be real, my stapler and my computer don't bring me soup when I'm sick and the opinions I so often worry about really don't matter. The ones that matter are those of the people surrounding me in my life....the ones who love me unconditionally.
I want to be the 75 year old woman who notices the first beautiful fall day and, instead of complaining about it, chooses to relish in another trip around the sun and cozy sweaters. Yesterday was that fall day here...and first, I was cold and chilled....but I did actually think about the last year on my drive home last night. I thought about all that I've done instead of all I didn't get to doing.

I photographed an Aspen wedding...two Georgia weddings....countless families, couples, children and seniors have crossed my path....my WI brides have been solidified into my heart....I've changed jobs and found myself challenged and outside of my comfort zone. At times, it's been terrifying and exhausting but most days it's pretty awesome to see the changes that have happened for the better. I've been an active long distance participant in my Godsons lives. They keep growing....time keeps moving....and I live for facetime bedtime stories and the many ways i get to be a part of their little lives even being 1000+ miles away. Alaina and I have had some amazing adventures and little Logan has gone from an itty bitty to this little person with the sweetest personality. I, too, have had some pretty fantastic adventures with some of  my most favorite people. I've also learned a lot about who I am and what I want in this life. I've learned that my deal breakers have changed a bit recently and the things that are priorities are different than they were last year because I'm a bit different than last year.

When I shift my focus and look at the many things I have done instead of all of the things waiting for me on my desk, I believe I am strong and fantastic and brilliant and capable of doing anything I want. 

The trick is shifting that focus more often so the fulfilling parts of my life are less about the amount of work I have to do and more about the many beautiful victories and miracles that happen around me every day....because they do happen. All of the time. And, I can be content with my life if I allow it more often. I have been such a perpetual climber that sometimes I forget to stop where I am and soak in the world around me.....the many accomplishments I've had recently and since I stepped foot into this great big world.

Last night's drive home was good for my heart. It reminded me that I'm not as far off as I think I am sometimes and just because I CAN do everything doesn't mean I HAVE to do everything. I didn't think about the things on my to do list or 5 year plan. I just thought about how beautiful it is to be me and how blessed I am to truly live every day of my life. It's more than I ever dreamed possible most days.

I am here. I am doing. And that, friends, is enough.

time.

my touch lamp has been turning off pretty frequently since i turned it on this morning. no one is near it...not the dogs...not me...and the plug is fine....

i believe in signs. i believe, firmly, that i have a visitor this morning while i edit.
it's given me a beautiful opportunity to think about how far i've come. five years ago, i didn't think i'd ever be okay again. i didn't believe anyone when they told me that time would help. i don't know that it's easier. but i do know that it hurts less some days and other days it still hurts more. i also know that time has been one of my most faithful and loyal teachers. it has given me some of the best memories and moments of my life. it has also served as an awful reminder of dates and hard things that i've lost. if there is anything it's done, though, it has certainly allowed me the space to recreate myself and that may be the best gift i've received. i would not be who i am if i had not gone through every single part of my life. there are days i would love to give it back and start over....but most days, i'm really thankful that i've had the ability to learn about life by living it and not just by standing by.

earlier this summer, i ended up at miller park and it has been with me ever since....on our way to summerfest, we had to stop to pick up a race packet. i remember feeling my heart constrict and i knew, then, that it would be a defining moment in this journey....so far, i have continued to process the many ways in which i thought i'd be okay with it and wasn't. i have avoided that place like the plague. it was the very last thing i did with chris. he was such a brewer fan--more than most and as we pulled into the stadium and made the same loop i had made with him a dozen or more times, i felt my heart clench and come so close to breaking. it was surreal. i remembered him so hard....it smelled like him...i could see him more vividly....i heard him laughing in my head....i heard him asking me where to park and outlining just how much time we'd have before we had to get inside. there was no way out and it felt like a brick house was just laying there on my chest.....and then, before i knew it, we were gone and i was prepared to cry and feel something awful but instead i just decided to breathe and hold on until i got to one of my best friends and she reminded me it was okay and squeezed me so tight...

you see, i'm not sure that i could have bravely moved even an inch inside of that place 3 or even 2 years ago. it was the one place in the world that i didn't think i'd ever be able to go again. but i did....and if you had asked me to choose to go, i wouldn't have. in fact, i'm pretty certain i still wouldn't go if you asked me even now.....but i know that i can....and that's more than i had just a few short months ago. i am always learning and growing...it's one of the few things i am proudest of....i know just how far i've come. 

time has taught me so much, especially in the last 10 months.....i've learned that big changes are scary but they aren't impossible. i've learned people love people differently and that's okay. i've learned, for myself, that small steps are still steps and i'm braver and stronger than i ever considered. i've learned that taking time to enjoy the small things and making room for the people who love you most is necessary so it means i've been behind on many parts of my life but it's because i've been spending my time making my own memories and that is okay. 

so, today, i soak up the last day of summer with a flickering touch lamp and a thankful heart. this summer gave me a beautiful birthday, the ability to chase the daylight, live music, a festival, a trip to a cottage with no cell service, memories, visits with friends, adventures, celebrations and a lot of unexpected lessons. how short it was....but, i suppose, it was the perfect amount of time to live through it....and not just get through it. 

happy labor day, friends.