.lonely.

i often come here when i feel like my heart is burdened.
i wonder, lately, at what point i will begin to feel settled in my own present. i have spent the last few years rebuilding, repurposing and, quite honestly, using what i've got to get through the days.
i watch my friends, family and clients get married, have babies and celebrate their beautiful families. most days it doesn't bother me but today it came crashing over me. maybe it was shooting two weddings or standing beside my person as her son got baptized.
i'm not sure. i just know that tonight i feel lonely and that doesn't happen all that often.
they say you should marry your best friend.
i believe that to be true. in fact, it's worked for me before.
i just don't know if i remember how to make a relationship like that again.
or if i can be good at that again.
what if i'm meant to be alone?
i really don't want to consider that. mostly because i have so much love inside me to give.
i was made to spread it....but maybe that means it isn't in the same way that i'd always hoped.
so i'm trying really hard to let go of this idea of love and marriage and a baby carriage....because maybe love looks different for me.
but 29 feels close to 30. and i had all these grand dreams in mind to be completed by now.
2 kids. a hypoallergenic dog.
a fence
a husband who was home at 530 and i'd work part time while i ran the full time business of raising babies.
but i can't. because it's impossible to change the last 29 years.
i have to believe this is my journey and i'm meant to be right here watching everyone else experience the things i so badly want because someday it's going to be my turn and they're all going to show up for me.
someday i'm going to have pews full of people as i baptize my child or marry my best friend.
and someday i might not have that but i might be loved anyway just because i'm me.

i have to believe that there is something great written in the stars for me.
i haven't a clue what it is. but i have faith that someday it will all make sense.

just keep swimming.

1825

1825 days.
that's how long it's been since i last laid eyes on my christopher.
i've felt each one of those days. some more than others...and the majority of the last 1000 have been beautiful days. i know this....i feel the joy in my heart. i have laughed with my entire self. i have lived so presently through some of those days and other days, i have been completely leveled.
grief is a cycle.
it means that sometimes your past is more present than your present and your future often seems so far away.
it means that some days you don't want to get out of bed.
it means that other days you forget, for minutes and seconds, your title of "widow" and you're allowed time to be just olivia
i knew today was coming. i saw it from a mile away.
and when i woke up this morning, i still felt like i got sucker punched.
i didn't cry right away. i laid in bed for a while...snuggled my fur babies...and when i least expected it, one tear rolled down my face and then i let it all go.

i have spent the better part of 15 minutes or so thumbing through photos from the last five years....
i have had some beautiful adventures and i've been surrounded by some pretty amazing people--i am certain each hand picked to walk beside me on this journey. i have traveled....lost friends...made new ones...cherished the steady ones...been taken care of by my family...taken huge leaps of faith...set out to make my dreams a reality...and i've lived the length and width of most days. children have called for me, fallen asleep on my chest, and time has moved on whether or not i've been fully ready for it.

i've made mistakes, said things i wish i hadn't, and i've taken chances on love that just didn't turn out. but i'm still here. and i remember that every single day.

but today, i am taking off this brave face. for 23 other days i have worn it with every ounce of courage i have. but not today....not because i can't do it....but because you have to hurt to heal. my broken heart has allowed me to grow in ways i never imagined. it's taught me to trust myself and i've learned that i'm far stronger than i ever gave myself credit....and i believe, fully, that God knows exactly what He's doing in my life. I don't always trust it. I don't always give up complete control....but I believe it....and on hard days like today, the only place I want to turn is to Him. that's the thing about losing everything.....when you get there, you find that you can either turn away from Him or run to Him.....i chose to run and it has brought me more  blessings than I ever imagined in the form of friends, relationships and extreme faith in making my dreams a reality. it hasn't been easy...and i've been angry...but i cannot deny that i am so blessed.

so 1825 days later....i am still so very here....and while chris' life was short, it was well-lived. i am going to celebrate that every day but especially today.

restless.

i have been working on a family session from friday for the better part of 4 days.
i can't find my groove.
i'm trying....
but i'm not there.
seven more days.
until the worst is over.

i have thumbed through photos and letters tonight, read old emails....anything in an attempt to ease this restless heart. i read old blog entries...i was once so broken. and it was justified. but i had forgotten just how broken i was once.

how did i come back.
i have no idea.

i had a five year plan for myself after he died. i promised myself a lot of things. and here i am, letting go of another five year plan that didn't go as planned.....trying to give myself permission to breathe. and celebrate.

this is the first year in five years i've REALLY decided to celebrate my birthday. and it's terrifying. because it's awful wondering if it's fair to do that when i know what's coming. or that i remember my last birthday with him when i was less than stellar. guilt and grief are the absolute hardest parts of moving forward.

but then i remember when i hypothetically asked him what he'd do if i died. he told me he'd visit the cemetery every day. that he'd never forget me. i, of course, told him i'd do the same. but then he said he would want me to move on. to love again and to really live. i told him i couldn't. that it wouldn't be fair. but he insisted.

so this year, i give myself permission. to celebrate.

and that is pretty scary. i've fought the idea of cancelling it...knowing people would understand.

then i remember i'm strong. and i'll be surrounded by my best blessings.

so, on friday june 20th, i will celebrate my birthday...two days early.
the same day, 11 years ago, that i met a boy at the kohler design center and he changed my whole universe. he told me i had beautiful eyes, took me to dinner, then to see finding nemo and finally to the lighthouse where i told him the water sounded like flushing toilets. and he laughed.

and....two days after my birthday, i will allow myself permission to stop fighting all of these feelings and take my brave face off.

but mostly, i will remind myself that celebrating and living are the best ways to celebrate his beautiful life. and i will keep telling myself that until i believe it.

just.keep.swimming.

life preserver.

stressed.
sad.
a little bit numb.
a lot on my heart.
i believe that sometimes i am my own worst enemy.
and other times i am justified in my feelings. my hurts. my needs. my happy. and even my ugly.

i take on so much. it's because i'm a control freak. if you accused me of that outside of this space, i'd deny it....but i know that i am. i know what i want and why i want it and i will do my absolute best to achieve that in the best way that i can control.

it means i am over sensitive at times....that lack of trust or insecurity in my space and place in many avenues of my life really take a toll.

it also means that there are moments when i second guess everything because my head space is occupied by various things out of my control and that freaks me out.....because i've spent the last few years re-organizing myself. new five and ten year plans. new dreams and goals...and as those very things stare me in the face, i am reminded that nothing ever goes as planned....no matter how much we plan it.

i have no control in all reality.

there is a plan much bigger than me that is unfolding as it should. if i could fully trust in that long enough to see that i'm not as broken or fragile as i think i am, i may find that all this need for control is, in fact, stupid and not necessary. the cards will fall where they will no matter what i have my hands on. i know this. the sand slipped right through my fingers once. i remember it. it made my desire to have my finger prints on everything so much greater. it's why i'm really good at running things, leading people, seeing things differently and loving people. i'm really good at those things.

it's also why i take things to heart so easily. why your tone can completely level me. why i crave human interaction. why i need a thunderstorm every once in a while. why maya's fur has lately been drenched in my tears. and why, no matter how hard i fight, some days i just don't win. it's a vicious circle. and it's exhausting.

so i'm spent. absolutely and completely spent.

but the good news is that i know this.

i know that my heart is wrecked right now.

i feel it. i believe it. i. know. it.

the better news is it won't last forever.

my life is full of beautiful things and people. i just need a life preserver.

just for a little while.

long enough to catch my breath and let go of this load i'm carrying.

so, if you've got one to spare, then i'd sure love to catch it. and if not, prayers and hugs are always welcomed.

always.

celebrate.

I spent last night celebrating life...surrounded by my favorites just so thankful for the relationships we've forged and made. it's not always been easy but these people are some of my very best friends.

I began to consider the many ways I hadn't been living in the last year. The many times I chose work over these relationships. One of my friendships nearly dissolved and-not on purpose-but I didn't have time to initiate and neither did she....so when we considered that the hole we fell into was much like the hole on a needle, I realized I need to make changes or that needle will soon become a pothole or worse, a black hole. I need to show up. and be there. because you know what, I need them too and while I laid my head next to hers on a pillow last night and we discussed the things we are thankful for, I realized how awful it would have been had we not come back together to celebrate her birthday on a frigid day in january. how much I would miss her. how much she feeds my soul. how much i love the people who were within arms reach last night.

So last night was a wednesday. and i had to get up today. and i knew that but i decided that life is for living....and that means late nights and early days. i have not one regret about last night.

i laughed with my entire heart. i hugged my friends and they hugged me back. so many times. i counted my blessings....and some i counted twice. sometimes i got lost and forgot for a minute where i was...i was so consumed in the present that nothing mattered.

it was beautiful.

i had asked my staff yesterday if they could time travel once and come back where they would go. i said i would go back 5ish years. for some obvious reasons. not to change it....but so that i could have a proper goodbye. so that i could be absolutely sure he knew that i loved him. and so he could know that i'm okay....i'm making it....every single day.

and last night, surrounded by people who love the shit out of me, i was reminded that i have filled my life with so many people who have hearts like i do. we love to celebrate people. enjoy life. and we aren't afraid to go out on a wednesday night to live a little. because we know the value of minutes. we know how much time we don't have. we also know that, no matter where we are in life, we can lean and someone else will hold us up. it's a beautiful thing. we choose to live through life and not just get through it. and there is a giant difference.

it makes me hope for the future because it makes me endlessly grateful for my present....for the people who love and live like i do...and that they choose to spend their days and time with me.

maybe mr. wonderful is around the corner. maybe he isn't. but if he is, i sure hope he's ready for a wednesday night out and beautiful adventures.

and, until then, my heart is smiling.

june....a lesson from body worlds...and a whole lot of other thoughts.

june 1.
i don't know why it gets me every time but i feel pretty sad today...

i have said, lately, to my friends that i know i give these days more power than they really need to have. my person told me that it's okay to have a few sad days...as long as it's only a few.
this month holds so many dates.
our first date.
our first anniversary.
my birthday.
our last brewer game.
our last photo.
the last time i laid eyes on his beautiful face.
the last time he held me.
told me i was going to be okay.
so many new beginnings and hopeful adventures that were at our finger tips.

so it's true. when you have the chance, you need to tell people how you feel....
because it's been 1803 days of loving someone in another universe when i didn't choose it.
and while most days that's entirely okay.....some days, like today, it takes my breath away.

how has it been that long?

some days it feels like it's been 18 minutes.

i am reminded that grief is a never ending cycle.

for example, on friday i went to see body worlds and i expected that i might be grossed out....instead, i felt my heart break when we got to the lungs. the autopsy showed his lungs looked like that of someone who had emphysema and a heavy smoker even though he never smoked a day in his life....and there i was, staring my husband's killer in the face. instead of crying, i processed. slowly.....but it stopped me in my tracks. i'd seen it in books. i've read that report a half a dozen times. but i never knew what it really looked like. and there they were....staring me in the face....the only thing separating me from those sad looking organs was a piece of glass....and i wondered what it felt like when he couldn't breathe that day and i was up here while he was downstairs. i wondered if it hurt. i hoped it was fast. i wondered, again, if i could have done more....and finally, i accepted that God knew better than i. but i won't lie...i'm still trying to let go of that sight. it's not that i didn't think i wouldn't see them. it's that i had no idea that something like that could still level me....take the wind out of my sails...and remind me to take stock in the many people and relationships in my life--a lesson i never expected to get from plasticized organs.

i have been blessed to be surrounded by the most beautiful people. so many of them don't know chris but there are the few who knew us when i was still this girl who believed and saw the best in everyone and everything. i was so different then...naive...hopeful...optimistic...and entirely sure that the world was created for me to paint it every color of the rainbow. i've changed so much....and i look at photos of myself before the bottom dropped out and i cannot recognize her. i miss her some days....the way she saw things...the way she gave of herself without fear.....now i've grown more cynical and jaded....and i cannot find those rose colored glasses anywhere.

but that's the thing about grief...it changes you. here i am, nearly five years later....and i still have rough days. while they come less and less, i still have them. they still exist and they still take me to my knees.

because even when you put all the bad stuff away in a box, that lid doesn't stay shut forever. sometimes it opens and you never saw it coming. and sometimes you were fully prepared and it hurt more anyway.

this month is the hardest....i am so good at putting aside all of these emotions for 11 other months but not this one....not the moments where i touched him in his casket and felt tissue paper because they stuffed his chest with it since they had to break his ribs and clavicle for the autopsy.....not the moments where i gave a eulogy in a packed church and forgot that i wasn't the only one in the room....or the moment i knelt beside his casket because it was literally the last time i'd physically be in church with him ever again....or the moment my best friend walked in the hospital and i knew right then that this wasn't a dream because of the look on her face...or the moment when a dozen people piled onto my couches and watched my wedding videos with me right after i planned a funeral....or the moment when one of my very best friends slept on an air mattress with me in the living room for weeks because i needed him right there.....or the worst moment...when i found him and knew it was over before i ever had a chance to save him.

so today i'm sad....because i know what's coming.....i know right where i am...and i know that you have to hurt to heal.....

and even though i know it's coming, it doesn't bring me much comfort. even though i've been here four other times, each time is different....because i'm different.

believe me, i know this is a depressing read thus far....but you have to know also that i'm stronger than i ever thought i could be. that getting out of bed today was hard but i did it....i told myself that 848 am was a long enough pity party and i had to get up. just get out of that bed.

and i did.

so you must know that my heart is more resilient than even i ever knew.

i just have hard days.

and i always will.

whether or not someone walks into my life again....and believe me, i hope that he does.

and it doesn't mean i'm not okay or that i'm broken.

it means something awful happened to me once. it means i lost everything once. and when you lose it all you don't soon forget what that feels like. not after 5 years or i'd imagine even after 15.

but i do know that i was loved beyond belief....even if it was for a very short time. i carry it with me always...you can't see it...there are no physical scars...you wouldn't know it by looking at me...but it's always here....

and that, friends, is why every june 1 makes my heart beat a little faster...it's all part of riding the waves. the tide will go out soon....i am certain of it.

until then, i'll just keep swimming.