life preserver.

stressed.
sad.
a little bit numb.
a lot on my heart.
i believe that sometimes i am my own worst enemy.
and other times i am justified in my feelings. my hurts. my needs. my happy. and even my ugly.

i take on so much. it's because i'm a control freak. if you accused me of that outside of this space, i'd deny it....but i know that i am. i know what i want and why i want it and i will do my absolute best to achieve that in the best way that i can control.

it means i am over sensitive at times....that lack of trust or insecurity in my space and place in many avenues of my life really take a toll.

it also means that there are moments when i second guess everything because my head space is occupied by various things out of my control and that freaks me out.....because i've spent the last few years re-organizing myself. new five and ten year plans. new dreams and goals...and as those very things stare me in the face, i am reminded that nothing ever goes as planned....no matter how much we plan it.

i have no control in all reality.

there is a plan much bigger than me that is unfolding as it should. if i could fully trust in that long enough to see that i'm not as broken or fragile as i think i am, i may find that all this need for control is, in fact, stupid and not necessary. the cards will fall where they will no matter what i have my hands on. i know this. the sand slipped right through my fingers once. i remember it. it made my desire to have my finger prints on everything so much greater. it's why i'm really good at running things, leading people, seeing things differently and loving people. i'm really good at those things.

it's also why i take things to heart so easily. why your tone can completely level me. why i crave human interaction. why i need a thunderstorm every once in a while. why maya's fur has lately been drenched in my tears. and why, no matter how hard i fight, some days i just don't win. it's a vicious circle. and it's exhausting.

so i'm spent. absolutely and completely spent.

but the good news is that i know this.

i know that my heart is wrecked right now.

i feel it. i believe it. i. know. it.

the better news is it won't last forever.

my life is full of beautiful things and people. i just need a life preserver.

just for a little while.

long enough to catch my breath and let go of this load i'm carrying.

so, if you've got one to spare, then i'd sure love to catch it. and if not, prayers and hugs are always welcomed.

always.