restless.

i have been working on a family session from friday for the better part of 4 days.
i can't find my groove.
i'm trying....
but i'm not there.
seven more days.
until the worst is over.

i have thumbed through photos and letters tonight, read old emails....anything in an attempt to ease this restless heart. i read old blog entries...i was once so broken. and it was justified. but i had forgotten just how broken i was once.

how did i come back.
i have no idea.

i had a five year plan for myself after he died. i promised myself a lot of things. and here i am, letting go of another five year plan that didn't go as planned.....trying to give myself permission to breathe. and celebrate.

this is the first year in five years i've REALLY decided to celebrate my birthday. and it's terrifying. because it's awful wondering if it's fair to do that when i know what's coming. or that i remember my last birthday with him when i was less than stellar. guilt and grief are the absolute hardest parts of moving forward.

but then i remember when i hypothetically asked him what he'd do if i died. he told me he'd visit the cemetery every day. that he'd never forget me. i, of course, told him i'd do the same. but then he said he would want me to move on. to love again and to really live. i told him i couldn't. that it wouldn't be fair. but he insisted.

so this year, i give myself permission. to celebrate.

and that is pretty scary. i've fought the idea of cancelling it...knowing people would understand.

then i remember i'm strong. and i'll be surrounded by my best blessings.

so, on friday june 20th, i will celebrate my birthday...two days early.
the same day, 11 years ago, that i met a boy at the kohler design center and he changed my whole universe. he told me i had beautiful eyes, took me to dinner, then to see finding nemo and finally to the lighthouse where i told him the water sounded like flushing toilets. and he laughed.

and....two days after my birthday, i will allow myself permission to stop fighting all of these feelings and take my brave face off.

but mostly, i will remind myself that celebrating and living are the best ways to celebrate his beautiful life. and i will keep telling myself that until i believe it.

just.keep.swimming.