.lonely.

i often come here when i feel like my heart is burdened.
i wonder, lately, at what point i will begin to feel settled in my own present. i have spent the last few years rebuilding, repurposing and, quite honestly, using what i've got to get through the days.
i watch my friends, family and clients get married, have babies and celebrate their beautiful families. most days it doesn't bother me but today it came crashing over me. maybe it was shooting two weddings or standing beside my person as her son got baptized.
i'm not sure. i just know that tonight i feel lonely and that doesn't happen all that often.
they say you should marry your best friend.
i believe that to be true. in fact, it's worked for me before.
i just don't know if i remember how to make a relationship like that again.
or if i can be good at that again.
what if i'm meant to be alone?
i really don't want to consider that. mostly because i have so much love inside me to give.
i was made to spread it....but maybe that means it isn't in the same way that i'd always hoped.
so i'm trying really hard to let go of this idea of love and marriage and a baby carriage....because maybe love looks different for me.
but 29 feels close to 30. and i had all these grand dreams in mind to be completed by now.
2 kids. a hypoallergenic dog.
a fence
a husband who was home at 530 and i'd work part time while i ran the full time business of raising babies.
but i can't. because it's impossible to change the last 29 years.
i have to believe this is my journey and i'm meant to be right here watching everyone else experience the things i so badly want because someday it's going to be my turn and they're all going to show up for me.
someday i'm going to have pews full of people as i baptize my child or marry my best friend.
and someday i might not have that but i might be loved anyway just because i'm me.

i have to believe that there is something great written in the stars for me.
i haven't a clue what it is. but i have faith that someday it will all make sense.

just keep swimming.