.Rope.

Accountability. It's part of growing up. Part of being an adult. There are times in my life when I look back and know I made a poor judgment call. Unfortunately, too many times lately and it has left me feeling defeated, upset, and frustrated. At what point do you walk away? I mean, you can only do so much and try so hard before the trust is broken and you find yourself at the end of the proverbial rope. The thing of it is that I care...about people...even people who don't deserve it. If only it was easier to walk away, cut ties, and never even think twice. I wasn't hard wired that way. I was hard wired to care.

I've always given people the benefit of the doubt. Some people say I'm naive. Others think it's just plain stupid. But here I am....choosing to see the best in people....except I'm sick of being on the receiving end of the worst in people which leads me to believe that trust sure is a hard thing to come by.

It takes a lot for me to walk away....in fact, I'm often the person who has stayed for far too long. Most people call that persistent. I am starting to see it as foolish. How does that saying go...fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Well, shame on me....over and over again it seems lately. People have taken advantage of me and it is a hard lesson to learn when you were hoping to be nothing more than someone they could always count on. 

The world becomes cold and hard when you believe the only person you can trust is yourself, but what happens when, all too often, people prove that to be true? That's the part I'm trying to make sense of. We, as humans, long for the "being" with others and the "togetherness" of friends, family, and a partner....but we hurt each other, mistrust, misuse, and abuse others and then wonder why others walk away. Because, at some point, you really do reach the end of the rope. At some point, there isn't anything left to hang on to and you have to let go. Because, before you know it, you've held on for far too long.....and you're tired, your hands are chapped and blistered, and you realize your heart is beginning to take on those very same traits.

So, sometimes, to save yourself, you have to let go of the rope and become a spectator in a life you care about. Sometimes, that's the only option.

.Say What You Need To Say.

I'm a talker. I'll talk to almost anyone about almost anything. It's who I am. But, when it comes down to it, I'm scared to talk about feelings...the real ones that exist and move me. The ones that occupy my heart and mind all day long....into the night...and follow me, sometimes, into my dreams. I can't get them to turn off...that's the thing about real, legitimate feelings--it's not a light bulb and there's no switch.

But here I am....playing out the conversation I would have in my head a million and one times if I just let it. If I just let my walls down once....for five minutes....but that's the thing--a lot can change in five minutes. Then again, I'm not entirely sure what I'm waiting for....a sign maybe....or a brick wall....or something to hit me over the head. All of which may or may not come. 

I don't know why this one is so hard...I mean, in theory, at least I would know where I would stand but sometimes it's the mystery of not knowing that is so appealing....you know, the "what if" factor...and it's good right now, why mess it up...just let it be what it is, right? Except, if it were that easy, it wouldn't consume me. It wouldn't bother me...it wouldn't drive me....and I sure wouldn't be missing him. But I am. Missing. Wishing. Hoping. 

I partially blame Disney and every other romantic comedy that occupies space on my shelf and the countless hours I've spent watching them dreaming of my very own fairy tale. Do you really marry your best friend? Does a knight in shining armor really come to the rescue? And, does a simple, plain girl like me, really have a happy ending? 

I wish I was certain that love could exist for me again....while there are days when I am almost positive that it could happen, there are days like today, when my heart is flooded with thoughts, dreams, and desires that make it difficult to believe in....and while I know that it's all about faith and trust, sometimes it would be easier to shut down entirely....but I've never done easy....and most people will tell you that the road to happiness wasn't easy either....but it sure would be nice, for five minutes, so that I could easily let my guard down and say what I so desperately need to say. 

Then again, if I don't say it out loud, well, maybe it's not real.

.Educated Guesses.

So, I've been in a bit of a funk as of late. Lots of reasons for it....yet none that provide me a solution as to how to exactly get out of it. I'm not quite sure how I got here...just that my heart is heavy, tired, and feeling lost.

They say that if you stop looking that which you seek will be within reach sooner than you know. I haven't looked for much for a while....have spent the last few months really working on my-self...and I feel more stuck than I did before. Trial and error is exhausting but necessary. To find out what makes you happiest there are unfortunately things that you learn make you unhappy along the way. I've learned to take the bad with the good but the balance of it all is something I've always found myself struggling with. While I know nothing is perfect, it would be nice if something came remotely close, right? Too often I find myself saying, "Close but no cigar" just like my 7th grade teacher when we'd answer something incorrectly.

Maybe part of it is that I'm not entirely sure what it is that I'm even looking for anymore. If I was certain about anything I would know the answer to that too. Certainty is sometimes confused as experience....when, most of the time, it's really just an educated guess for me and while those have their places in my life too, nothing feels like the right fit as of late. 

But here I am...and there you are and aren't we all just making educated guesses in this life? I mean, I don't have real control...and the One who does certainly isn't dropping me any hints as to where I'm going to end up in this life....and there are rare moments when I feel like the stars have aligned and I couldn't be connecting the dots any better....and then there are these moments when I wonder how in the world I've gotten so off course. 

Lately, I've also started realizing that even if Chris was here I couldn't guarantee that things would be any different...that our dots would be all connected...or that life would make any more sense than it does right now...and I certainly couldn't guarantee that I would get in these ruts every now and again. It's easy for me to "blame" these current issues on what I've lost. In fact, I've done for it a long time. I've said--well, if Chris were here I certainly wouldn't be doing this or this decision wouldn't be in the forefront of my mind or these feelings just wouldn't exist, but I have no guarantees of any of that--I'm learning that I need to think about what should have been less than what really is. It's true that it stings every time I consider other couples having what I was certain I would have by now....but that's when humility and gratitude come in. Maybe this funk needs to be redirected to thanksgiving. I certainly could be much worse off...and I'm not....and while it doesn't always comfort me during these rough patches, it has to be enough. 

I need to be more thankful for just enough. Happiness doesn't always come overflowing...sometimes it comes just full to the brim and we miss a lot of it because it doesn't necessarily overwhelm us...but it's still there...and I'm still here...and for tonight, that's just enough.