.Educated Guesses.

So, I've been in a bit of a funk as of late. Lots of reasons for it....yet none that provide me a solution as to how to exactly get out of it. I'm not quite sure how I got here...just that my heart is heavy, tired, and feeling lost.

They say that if you stop looking that which you seek will be within reach sooner than you know. I haven't looked for much for a while....have spent the last few months really working on my-self...and I feel more stuck than I did before. Trial and error is exhausting but necessary. To find out what makes you happiest there are unfortunately things that you learn make you unhappy along the way. I've learned to take the bad with the good but the balance of it all is something I've always found myself struggling with. While I know nothing is perfect, it would be nice if something came remotely close, right? Too often I find myself saying, "Close but no cigar" just like my 7th grade teacher when we'd answer something incorrectly.

Maybe part of it is that I'm not entirely sure what it is that I'm even looking for anymore. If I was certain about anything I would know the answer to that too. Certainty is sometimes confused as experience....when, most of the time, it's really just an educated guess for me and while those have their places in my life too, nothing feels like the right fit as of late. 

But here I am...and there you are and aren't we all just making educated guesses in this life? I mean, I don't have real control...and the One who does certainly isn't dropping me any hints as to where I'm going to end up in this life....and there are rare moments when I feel like the stars have aligned and I couldn't be connecting the dots any better....and then there are these moments when I wonder how in the world I've gotten so off course. 

Lately, I've also started realizing that even if Chris was here I couldn't guarantee that things would be any different...that our dots would be all connected...or that life would make any more sense than it does right now...and I certainly couldn't guarantee that I would get in these ruts every now and again. It's easy for me to "blame" these current issues on what I've lost. In fact, I've done for it a long time. I've said--well, if Chris were here I certainly wouldn't be doing this or this decision wouldn't be in the forefront of my mind or these feelings just wouldn't exist, but I have no guarantees of any of that--I'm learning that I need to think about what should have been less than what really is. It's true that it stings every time I consider other couples having what I was certain I would have by now....but that's when humility and gratitude come in. Maybe this funk needs to be redirected to thanksgiving. I certainly could be much worse off...and I'm not....and while it doesn't always comfort me during these rough patches, it has to be enough. 

I need to be more thankful for just enough. Happiness doesn't always come overflowing...sometimes it comes just full to the brim and we miss a lot of it because it doesn't necessarily overwhelm us...but it's still there...and I'm still here...and for tonight, that's just enough.