.Say What You Need To Say.

I'm a talker. I'll talk to almost anyone about almost anything. It's who I am. But, when it comes down to it, I'm scared to talk about feelings...the real ones that exist and move me. The ones that occupy my heart and mind all day long....into the night...and follow me, sometimes, into my dreams. I can't get them to turn off...that's the thing about real, legitimate feelings--it's not a light bulb and there's no switch.

But here I am....playing out the conversation I would have in my head a million and one times if I just let it. If I just let my walls down once....for five minutes....but that's the thing--a lot can change in five minutes. Then again, I'm not entirely sure what I'm waiting for....a sign maybe....or a brick wall....or something to hit me over the head. All of which may or may not come. 

I don't know why this one is so hard...I mean, in theory, at least I would know where I would stand but sometimes it's the mystery of not knowing that is so appealing....you know, the "what if" factor...and it's good right now, why mess it up...just let it be what it is, right? Except, if it were that easy, it wouldn't consume me. It wouldn't bother me...it wouldn't drive me....and I sure wouldn't be missing him. But I am. Missing. Wishing. Hoping. 

I partially blame Disney and every other romantic comedy that occupies space on my shelf and the countless hours I've spent watching them dreaming of my very own fairy tale. Do you really marry your best friend? Does a knight in shining armor really come to the rescue? And, does a simple, plain girl like me, really have a happy ending? 

I wish I was certain that love could exist for me again....while there are days when I am almost positive that it could happen, there are days like today, when my heart is flooded with thoughts, dreams, and desires that make it difficult to believe in....and while I know that it's all about faith and trust, sometimes it would be easier to shut down entirely....but I've never done easy....and most people will tell you that the road to happiness wasn't easy either....but it sure would be nice, for five minutes, so that I could easily let my guard down and say what I so desperately need to say. 

Then again, if I don't say it out loud, well, maybe it's not real.