there is so much on my heart tonight....
it was my first day at my new clinic. while it was a good and productive day, i'm feeling overwhelmed and wondering if i can be what they need. i need to stop doubting myself. just because things are different and because they're not very efficient doesn't mean i can't make it better. i stared at that computer today wondering if i could make this software do what i need it to do in order for all of us to work to our greatest potential. and then i remembered it's my first day. and i'm not expected to have us building rome just yet. take a breath. slow down. it's okay that you don't know yet how it will exactly work out in the end.
and i spent the entire drive home thinking about how incredibly hurt i was last night when someone i care for treated me like crap. absolute crap. and there isn't a single reason that it should still bother me. except that i'm tired of coming to the rescue for other people and when today was a huge day for me, those people that i've rescued didn't even check in or acknowledge. and once, just once, i'd love for the people who were too afraid to do anything for my last day were the ones who loved me on my next adventure. and, they weren't. in fact, i'm certain that it wasn't even thought of when he was caught up in his own mess. and i should have known better.
after that, i thought of the countless texts and messages with love and genuine excitement for me today and i was pleasantly surprised. and grateful. and i realized there needs to be some serious prioritizing. because i cannot keep on loving people who haven't been there loving me. and i tell myself this a thousand times.
again and again. because one of these days it HAS to sink in. one of these days, it HAS TO be enough to change this heart.
and as the holiday season approaches, i find myself missing my husband even more than i usually do. the holidays were our absolute favorite. and the nativity we purchased five years ago that he never got to put up always pulls at my heart. the charlie brown Christmas that was his absolute favorite gets me every time. the countless dreams and ways he would always spend so much time agonizing over what to get me for Christmas. the way we'd spend time baking cookies, decorating the tree, and his utmost devotion to midnight mass. my heart is so much heavier this time of the year. because i miss him. and no one has come along who has changed it....and maybe no one will....so, as i wait, i find my heart lonely this time of the year. a little more lost than usual. and while i know this, too, shall pass....for tonight, and maybe even for a couple other tomorrows, i'm just going to miss his voice, his laugh, his hugs, those hazel-brown eyes, and the hope that someday i will see him again because it's been too long.....it's been so so long.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Sunday, November 17, 2013
lessons.
in the middle of a lot of big changes, you find yourself reflecting a lot more....well, at least i do.
if i could tell my younger self anything, it would include the following:
1. TRUST yourself....and really, trust. don't second guess your second guessing. if it feels good, go for it....if it doesn't, don't.
2. At some point or another, your mom is going to be very right....and you're going to understand all of the things she told you. Trust that, too.
3. People change and sometimes you find out who your friends are the hard way. They're the ones who believe other people's stories without talking to you first, they're the ones who doubt you, they're the ones who bring you down and never build you up. Life will always go on....so should you.
4. When something or someone no longer serves a purpose, let it go.
5. Good love is rare....so when it slaps you in the face, don't walk away and don't push. some of the greatest adventures have come when I stopped letting fear win.
6. Dreams really do come true. But you're going to have to work your ass off. In fact, it's not going to be fun sometimes. Push through it.
7. Do something for yourself that makes your own heart happy. Don't let it be for a single other person....do it because YOU love it. And never apologize for it.
8. Love your family. In challenging times, they will always have your back, be at your side, and believe in you.
9. Cherish your days. You will learn the hard way that life is truly too short. Don't waste your time....you really won't have as much as you think when you're older.
10. Vacation. Travel. See the world. Get out of your bubble and take your footprints somewhere else.
11. Sometimes God really does give you more than you can handle.....but He always sees you through it. See #1.
12. You're not going to know what you're doing most of the time....that's okay. You don't have to. In the end, it really does all work out like it's supposed to.
13. Bad things happen...even to the best people....but those people know about numbers 1 and 11.
14. You didn't know it then, but one of your best friends will come dressed in a giant amount of fur and she will listen to you, she won't judge you, she'll let you cry on her shoulder, and take care of you until you can do it on your own. She is your dog.....and her name is Maya.
15. When children are speaking to you, listen. When they call your name, answer. And when they need you, be there.
16. You're really never going to like pumpkin. That's okay.
17. You'll never believe it but some glass and plastic saved your heart when you needed it most. It came disguised as a camera and had canon plastered on the top. As a matter of fact, it's still saving your heart.
18. Hold on like hell......because, honestly, most of the time we're all just coming up with back up plans and major plans and a whole lot of educated guesses.....but if you're holding on tight enough, you'll be okay.
19. Your friends will not all be five minutes from you anymore....but the distance won't matter. Just invest in good luggage.
20. One day you're going to decide to have three dogs. At the same time. Don't do it again. :)
21. Worry less. Period.
22. Just keep swimming.
23. You still listen to the same song on repeat. And it still feels good.
26. Other people will always be better than you. there will be better admins, photographers, better friends, and even better human beings. Keep on keeping on....you're doing everything right.
27. Never do anything you'll regret in the morning or that will make it difficult to fall asleep at night. Enough said.
28. You're going to forget all of these things at some point. That's why #18 is so important....
and you're going to wonder about most, if not all of these things at some point.....and some days you're going to feel like you haven't done enough with your life.....but you're wrong. really wrong.
and when you wonder, see #21.
and then see #22.
if i could tell my younger self anything, it would include the following:
1. TRUST yourself....and really, trust. don't second guess your second guessing. if it feels good, go for it....if it doesn't, don't.
2. At some point or another, your mom is going to be very right....and you're going to understand all of the things she told you. Trust that, too.
3. People change and sometimes you find out who your friends are the hard way. They're the ones who believe other people's stories without talking to you first, they're the ones who doubt you, they're the ones who bring you down and never build you up. Life will always go on....so should you.
4. When something or someone no longer serves a purpose, let it go.
5. Good love is rare....so when it slaps you in the face, don't walk away and don't push. some of the greatest adventures have come when I stopped letting fear win.
6. Dreams really do come true. But you're going to have to work your ass off. In fact, it's not going to be fun sometimes. Push through it.
7. Do something for yourself that makes your own heart happy. Don't let it be for a single other person....do it because YOU love it. And never apologize for it.
8. Love your family. In challenging times, they will always have your back, be at your side, and believe in you.
9. Cherish your days. You will learn the hard way that life is truly too short. Don't waste your time....you really won't have as much as you think when you're older.
10. Vacation. Travel. See the world. Get out of your bubble and take your footprints somewhere else.
11. Sometimes God really does give you more than you can handle.....but He always sees you through it. See #1.
12. You're not going to know what you're doing most of the time....that's okay. You don't have to. In the end, it really does all work out like it's supposed to.
13. Bad things happen...even to the best people....but those people know about numbers 1 and 11.
14. You didn't know it then, but one of your best friends will come dressed in a giant amount of fur and she will listen to you, she won't judge you, she'll let you cry on her shoulder, and take care of you until you can do it on your own. She is your dog.....and her name is Maya.
15. When children are speaking to you, listen. When they call your name, answer. And when they need you, be there.
16. You're really never going to like pumpkin. That's okay.
17. You'll never believe it but some glass and plastic saved your heart when you needed it most. It came disguised as a camera and had canon plastered on the top. As a matter of fact, it's still saving your heart.
18. Hold on like hell......because, honestly, most of the time we're all just coming up with back up plans and major plans and a whole lot of educated guesses.....but if you're holding on tight enough, you'll be okay.
19. Your friends will not all be five minutes from you anymore....but the distance won't matter. Just invest in good luggage.
20. One day you're going to decide to have three dogs. At the same time. Don't do it again. :)
21. Worry less. Period.
22. Just keep swimming.
23. You still listen to the same song on repeat. And it still feels good.
26. Other people will always be better than you. there will be better admins, photographers, better friends, and even better human beings. Keep on keeping on....you're doing everything right.
27. Never do anything you'll regret in the morning or that will make it difficult to fall asleep at night. Enough said.
28. You're going to forget all of these things at some point. That's why #18 is so important....
and you're going to wonder about most, if not all of these things at some point.....and some days you're going to feel like you haven't done enough with your life.....but you're wrong. really wrong.
and when you wonder, see #21.
and then see #22.
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