first days and countless tomorrows

there is so much on my heart tonight....
it was my first day at my new clinic. while it was a good and productive day, i'm feeling overwhelmed and wondering if i can be what they need. i need to stop doubting myself. just because things are different and because they're not very efficient doesn't mean i can't make it better. i stared at that computer today wondering if i could make this software do what i need it to do in order for all of us to work to our greatest potential. and then i remembered it's my first day. and i'm not expected to have us building rome just yet. take a breath. slow down. it's okay that you don't know yet how it will exactly work out in the end. 

and i spent the entire drive home thinking about how incredibly hurt i was last night when someone i care for treated me like crap. absolute crap. and there isn't a single reason that it should still bother me. except that i'm tired of coming to the rescue for other people and when today was a huge day for me, those people that i've rescued didn't even check in or acknowledge. and once, just once, i'd love for the people who were too afraid to do anything for my last day were the ones who loved me on my next adventure. and, they weren't. in fact, i'm certain that it wasn't even thought of when he was caught up in his own mess. and i should have known better.

after that, i thought of the countless texts and messages with love and genuine excitement for me today and i was pleasantly surprised. and grateful. and i realized there needs to be some serious prioritizing. because i cannot keep on loving people who haven't been there loving me. and i tell myself this a thousand times. 
again and again. because one of these days it HAS to sink in. one of these days, it HAS TO be enough to change this heart.

and as the holiday season approaches, i find myself missing my husband even more than i usually do. the holidays were our absolute favorite. and the nativity we purchased five years ago that he never got to put up always pulls at my heart. the charlie brown Christmas that was his absolute favorite gets me every time. the countless dreams and ways he would always spend so much time agonizing over what to get me for Christmas. the way we'd spend time baking cookies, decorating the tree, and his utmost devotion to midnight mass. my heart is so much heavier this time of the year. because i miss him. and no one has come along who has changed it....and maybe no one will....so, as i wait, i find my heart lonely this time of the year. a little more lost than usual. and while i know this, too, shall pass....for tonight, and maybe even for a couple other tomorrows, i'm just going to miss his voice, his laugh, his hugs, those hazel-brown eyes, and the hope that someday i will see him again because it's been too long.....it's been so so long.