hard lessons.

this girl is tired.

i learned a couple hard lessons this week.

first......that it's okay to stop worrying about the people who don't worry about you. there are people, both in my work life and personal life, that i had always given more care to than others--i made them a priority to worry about, love harder and be more present for. after a long and hard week, i found that stepping back a little changed nothing-i'm still the one reaching. i'm still the one worrying. i'm still the one being present. and as much as i'd like to give every benefit of the doubt under the sun, i'm just fully aware that some people change and sometimes you don't change with them. sometimes you learn that the only thing you can do is love and let go.

second....that people will surprise you. it's amazing how some people just love you--there is no rhyme or reason....nothing specifically that you did....but they will love you because you're a human and you should be loved. i found, this week especially, that there are people who i didn't expect to be as ever present as they are and they just stepped up. they were just there--not for anything but to be there--and i needed it more than even they knew. i should have given them more credit....and i'm learning that it doesn't necessarily matter how long someone's been around but that they're present. that's worth so much more.

third....needy isn't sexy. my mom always told me this. i have always wanted to be a mom and lately, i've really been working on letting go of the idea of having a baby in the near future. if it happened, of course, i would welcome it but prince charming hasn't coming driving in his ford taurus (i'm going for more of the every day instead of the knight in shining armor on his white horse). anyway....so many people are begging for things they want...clinging to people for validation and acceptance....and i'm learning to trust in a plan that only He knows. i'm learning that talking about a baby or a hopeful husband aren't going to bring one necessarily and i'm sure there are many others like me who are just sick of that being the only thing on their news feeds or in conversation. so i'm going to facebook stalk and ccap search less (i'm not the only one, right? :)) and just live.

fourth....sometimes you have to accept that you are your own super hero. sometimes you really will save the day for everyone else and you'll have to save it for yourself....without any help...and you'll learn that you're stronger and braver than you thought. you'll also learn you can keep going long after you thought you couldn't. and you'll find that stepping up won't get you an award or any extra appreciation but it will get the job done. maybe heroes are people who come in and get the job done without looking for anything....maybe you don't have to wear a cape...maybe you just have to do it until you can't anymore and hope like hell that there's a parachute if you should ever get to the point where you have to jump.

and finally, i learned to breathe. to walk away from my desk or my house or my computer for five minutes and reset. i've been finding ways to take deep breaths in ways that i didn't know possible instead of letting it eat me away. it's amazing what just five minutes can do.

tomorrow is already monday. a new week. priorities in line. cape ready. and just five more minutes until i decide to tackle another week.

magic carpets and stuff

You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.

how many times in life have i looked those twenty seconds in the eye and backed down? more than i'd like to admit, unfortunately. i know that it's true.....i know that minutes can change your life and using your words can make or break you. that, sometimes, saying what you need to say can free you....or taking that leap of faith might save you....and yet i stare at those 20 seconds like they're the scariest tick tocks of my life. i over think them....and i let them win. 

so as i sit here today, wondering why or what i am so afraid of, i realize it's not that what and if are terrifying words.....it's that when you put them together, they can haunt you. what if i just tell him my feelings....or what if i never sent that letter....or what if he never read the letter that i found 20 seconds of courage to send....or what if God's plan is bigger....or what if I have no idea what I'm doing.....

i don't know the answers to any of those questions....i just know that literally finding those 20 seconds can sometimes be harder than the leap itself. it's days and weeks of talking yourself into it....and then it's knowing that the outcome may break you. your heart may not recover....but it will--that's what no one will tell you.....that it will hurt, but you'll be okay.....because no one wants to tell you that he won't embrace you or that taking on that new adventure won't be the best thing that ever happened to you.

but let's be honest.

life isn't a disney movie.

i know, i know--that's a harsh one. i had been stuck in a land of princesses and mermaids growing feet for quite a long time. in fact, sometimes i am still there. i still believe in magic carpets and talking lions.....and i still hope that every little girl hopes to be a princess. but i hope it in a more realistic way now. that your prince might not show up on his trusty steed and may instead drive a toyota camry. that your dream job may not allow you to stay home and read books until you go to save your father in a castle with a very scary creature but that it might come dressed as work. seven days a week. with benefits of the heart and less on the paycheck side of life. that you may not have a monkey who turns into an elephant and a magic carpet that whisks you away but that you may have a great dog who allows you to sit on the carpet beside him. 

this is altogether ironic considering the very quote that requests 20 seconds of insane courage is from a DISNEY MOVIE but i'm sure you get my point. 

the truth is that some people are reallllly brave and they don't mind being courageous. i'd venture to say that people like that are a rare breed. i'd also like to admit that i am not one of those realllllly brave people when it comes to my personal life. i feel like i've taken giant leaps and jumps professionally and i'm not afraid to stand up for myself or my business but when it comes to possibly offending a friend or telling your best friend that you may have fallen for him or asking for help i seem to always lose my words and clam up.

i'm working on being braver. baby steps.

but i'm also working on seeing things in a more toyota-camry-seven-day-work-week-regular-burbur-carpet kind of way. 

that's the trick. balance. 

a healthy balance of dreams and reality. like knowing you can grow your hair to the floor but realizing people really shouldn't be using it to climb up. 

knowing there are risks but realizing the best things come when we trust there will be a soft place to land.

no matter the outcome.

that a magic carpet will be there whether you need to fall or fly.

and that 20 seconds isn't very long. it's just enough time to change your life.