hard lessons.

this girl is tired.

i learned a couple hard lessons this week.

first......that it's okay to stop worrying about the people who don't worry about you. there are people, both in my work life and personal life, that i had always given more care to than others--i made them a priority to worry about, love harder and be more present for. after a long and hard week, i found that stepping back a little changed nothing-i'm still the one reaching. i'm still the one worrying. i'm still the one being present. and as much as i'd like to give every benefit of the doubt under the sun, i'm just fully aware that some people change and sometimes you don't change with them. sometimes you learn that the only thing you can do is love and let go.

second....that people will surprise you. it's amazing how some people just love you--there is no rhyme or reason....nothing specifically that you did....but they will love you because you're a human and you should be loved. i found, this week especially, that there are people who i didn't expect to be as ever present as they are and they just stepped up. they were just there--not for anything but to be there--and i needed it more than even they knew. i should have given them more credit....and i'm learning that it doesn't necessarily matter how long someone's been around but that they're present. that's worth so much more.

third....needy isn't sexy. my mom always told me this. i have always wanted to be a mom and lately, i've really been working on letting go of the idea of having a baby in the near future. if it happened, of course, i would welcome it but prince charming hasn't coming driving in his ford taurus (i'm going for more of the every day instead of the knight in shining armor on his white horse). anyway....so many people are begging for things they want...clinging to people for validation and acceptance....and i'm learning to trust in a plan that only He knows. i'm learning that talking about a baby or a hopeful husband aren't going to bring one necessarily and i'm sure there are many others like me who are just sick of that being the only thing on their news feeds or in conversation. so i'm going to facebook stalk and ccap search less (i'm not the only one, right? :)) and just live.

fourth....sometimes you have to accept that you are your own super hero. sometimes you really will save the day for everyone else and you'll have to save it for yourself....without any help...and you'll learn that you're stronger and braver than you thought. you'll also learn you can keep going long after you thought you couldn't. and you'll find that stepping up won't get you an award or any extra appreciation but it will get the job done. maybe heroes are people who come in and get the job done without looking for anything....maybe you don't have to wear a cape...maybe you just have to do it until you can't anymore and hope like hell that there's a parachute if you should ever get to the point where you have to jump.

and finally, i learned to breathe. to walk away from my desk or my house or my computer for five minutes and reset. i've been finding ways to take deep breaths in ways that i didn't know possible instead of letting it eat me away. it's amazing what just five minutes can do.

tomorrow is already monday. a new week. priorities in line. cape ready. and just five more minutes until i decide to tackle another week.