Even Rubber Bands Snap.

My heart hurts today. I come here often when I'm in a place that it is all too familar...when words have pierced me, or someone has betrayed me, and when I'm unsure of the next step. So, that is where I am today--I suppose I've found myself here, overwhelmed, and frustrated....hurt and upset....and using this as my outlet to just let it all go. 

I come back to the fact that there are defining moments in all of our lives that show us our true levels of maturity and teach us the true meaning of growing up. I have, unfortunately, learned most of them the hard way....and while I've taken them mostly in stride, I am now watching someone else use me to learn those very hard life lessons. I have let every bad comment, back handed compliment, and immature action, slide off my back until now...when I just seem to be past the end of my proverbial rope....and while I have no intention of using the same tactics it takes a big effort to be the bigger person....and an even bigger person to allow themselves to be the platform in which another needs to learn from. I suppose I am just sick of being the platform...even rubber bands snap and trampolines get tired. While everyone says that jealousy is what fuels these very actions, it certainly doesn't change the fact that I am hurt and that, regardless of what anyone says, there is no way to take back what's already been said and done. 

There have also been a lot of changes both personally and professionally for me this month and while change is necessary, it certainly isn't always good. I made a promise to myself that I'd give it 31 days. I'd give it the good college try and while I'm learning that I am only one person and I can only do so much it doesn't change that I hate feeling like I'm stressed out 40 hours of my week (at least) and that I am not at all appreciated or valued. It's amazing what a sincere "thank you" or "good job" can do...one that comes from your heart and not because someone else told you to or because you read this very blog today. It seems my well is nearing empty and while I've always considered myself quite adaptable, I wonder how much longer I can continue to go like this until I've completely burned out. I feel myself slowly shutting down....not because I can't take it but because it is just easier if you don't share parts of your life with people--gives them less ways to hurt you. I have watched some of my co-workers use me as a punching bag...not that I am proud of it--but when you're in the middle of someone scolding you as if they are your father and they are pointing their finger, have raised their voice and are literally yelling at you, it is difficult to see clearly the best thing to do so you don't do anything...and before you know it, they've pushed you down, trampled you, and you realize that what was once a happy healthy environment is no longer fun or even remotely good....all while soaking in the words that being thrown at you as if you're not a person and that you don't have feelings. I have realized the value of that simple fact in the last 31 days--I am a person, I have feelings and they matter.

So, now what? That's the big question here. There's a fine line between walking away and knowing things will turn around. I'm not sure where I am on that very rocky ledge yet. Jumping would be easy but full of fear....and staying in the same spot, getting the same results and answers is also one of those things that causes tension and uncertainty to make a gap in your heart where your smile used to be. 

For today...I am going to soak up these last few hours of the weekend, turn off my phone, grab my iced tea, and allow myself the space to let the tide come in.....hoping that soon enough I will be standing, stronger, watching it go out again.

Words.

Words have weight....they hurt and they stay with you...and while we'd all like to repeat the rhyme "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" we all carry one (or three) bad experiences with us where the wrong words were chosen and feelings were hurt. Truth is, they sting...and it's difficult to not take things personally. I struggle with that very thing in my personal and professional life...usually telling myself it is what it is...but is it?

I have also been thinking of the weight of someone's word. Promises broken and kept, words said that are deceitful and truthful, and a million and one pros and cons lists for just such situations. I was reminded again this weekend of that very thing...mostly because to a child your word is everything. They rely on it, cling to it, and hold you to it without even thinking twice about asking you again and again when you will do or when they will receive whatever it is that you promised. When do we lose that trait...the part where we are brave enough to ask for what we've been promised from someone. I ponder that as I think of the weight of follow through....dinners promised, time promised and other expectations all turned into disappointments. Because-as adults-we've stopped asking and allowed for excuses to keep happening...but yesterday, when I tried to talk a 4 and 7 year old out of a trip to the zoo out of town, I was reminded that I had promised and for them, that was all that mattered....so we went....even though it was 95 degrees and disgusting.....because my word had weight and they remembered. 

Soon enough all of those empty promises and failed handshakes become cold reminders of heart aches. I have tried my best to let most of them go but there are always those ones that just stick with you. Those few moments where the weight of the words was far greater than you could have known at the time....so, choose wisely...or the weight of your own words might begin to weigh you down.

Heavy.

I have a heavy heart tonight. Not for one particular reason...but many. Sometimes I find myself unsettled, asking for directions, and unsure of the road in front of me....and while I trust that the Man bigger than anyone else will lead me, there are times I wish I had a road map. I know, I know...just trust...but I'm human which makes me want more than He can give me at times. 

I wonder if I stood still for a moment....just let it all wash over me...and finally gave into the very things that feel like burdens...if I could breathe again. Sometimes we need to get leveled to get built back up...but I wonder how many times...and how many ways we can be taken down before we begin to stop taking the very people for granted who love us the most....and how many times before we stop asking for things...instead of just being thankful for what we have. I'm not sure to be honest. I don't know just how many times before I find myself recognizing and acknowledging people all of the time for their help and generosity...and I also don't know how long before I stop looking for validation in all the wrong places. I know, in my heart, that only I can fill it to the brim with bliss...but it seems so impossible sometimes to keep on trying...to love myself for just who I am, flaws and all....to give myself credit for the many things I've done with my life instead of my short comings....and to give back to my own heart instead of to everyone else's. I'm a giver by nature but not where it counts most...to give to people who don't appreciate it or me has gotten me nowhere....and, sadly, there are people who have given far more to me than I have to them. It's amazing really...that our hearts are so willing even after having been hurt. I think it's one of the many reasons our head rarely beats our hearts. We love deeply....and, unless you're a good swimmer, it's hard to get out of the deep end once you've gone off the diving board. Turns out, I can't swim at all.

So, where do I go from here? Up I hope. I hope that the only place I go is a place full of compassion and love provided by my self for my self....but it requires a lot of strength and patience...and I'm not sure I've got enough in my tank of either. The silver lining is that God provides me with grace and love when I am reaching for that life preserver. Most people, in fact, don't see me reaching...and they miss my signals...because I have no physical scars...and if you can't see it you won't ask....and you certainly won't be digging deeper. Looks can be deceiving...hearts can be broken without anyone knowing...and life can throw curve balls in any direction but you'll miss it if you're not looking. 

I guess this is me hoping someone sees past the hurt and into this broken heart long enough to help me put it back together...instead of just walking by....