Heavy.

I have a heavy heart tonight. Not for one particular reason...but many. Sometimes I find myself unsettled, asking for directions, and unsure of the road in front of me....and while I trust that the Man bigger than anyone else will lead me, there are times I wish I had a road map. I know, I know...just trust...but I'm human which makes me want more than He can give me at times. 

I wonder if I stood still for a moment....just let it all wash over me...and finally gave into the very things that feel like burdens...if I could breathe again. Sometimes we need to get leveled to get built back up...but I wonder how many times...and how many ways we can be taken down before we begin to stop taking the very people for granted who love us the most....and how many times before we stop asking for things...instead of just being thankful for what we have. I'm not sure to be honest. I don't know just how many times before I find myself recognizing and acknowledging people all of the time for their help and generosity...and I also don't know how long before I stop looking for validation in all the wrong places. I know, in my heart, that only I can fill it to the brim with bliss...but it seems so impossible sometimes to keep on trying...to love myself for just who I am, flaws and all....to give myself credit for the many things I've done with my life instead of my short comings....and to give back to my own heart instead of to everyone else's. I'm a giver by nature but not where it counts most...to give to people who don't appreciate it or me has gotten me nowhere....and, sadly, there are people who have given far more to me than I have to them. It's amazing really...that our hearts are so willing even after having been hurt. I think it's one of the many reasons our head rarely beats our hearts. We love deeply....and, unless you're a good swimmer, it's hard to get out of the deep end once you've gone off the diving board. Turns out, I can't swim at all.

So, where do I go from here? Up I hope. I hope that the only place I go is a place full of compassion and love provided by my self for my self....but it requires a lot of strength and patience...and I'm not sure I've got enough in my tank of either. The silver lining is that God provides me with grace and love when I am reaching for that life preserver. Most people, in fact, don't see me reaching...and they miss my signals...because I have no physical scars...and if you can't see it you won't ask....and you certainly won't be digging deeper. Looks can be deceiving...hearts can be broken without anyone knowing...and life can throw curve balls in any direction but you'll miss it if you're not looking. 

I guess this is me hoping someone sees past the hurt and into this broken heart long enough to help me put it back together...instead of just walking by....