restless

Ahhh, Christmas....we meet again. I am somewhere between numb and unsure...mostly, unsure. I got through most of today with my brave face but, if we're being honest, I'm tired...really tired. I don't know how to "do" this exactly....I'm still finding my footing...three years later. I haven't cried, I haven't sobbed...I've just been sitting here....a bit numb and completely unsure. I know the waves are going to hit...I just am not sure when...so I'm just waiting....holding out and waiting.

I should be editing photos but my mind is wandering. like crazy. thinking about this year and all of the things I thought I would have accomplished. I am vowing for a more balanced 2013. I am still unsure on how to get there.

Trying to wrangle these feelings is proving to be harder than I thought. I'm posting my Christmas card on Facebook. seriously. in between skipping songs on pandora and trying to find my center. i keep watching my phone like it will blow up with a thousand people checking on me...but they aren't. in fact, my best friends haven't even checked. i think that's the hardest part. that 'alone' feeling where the rest of life has moved on but you're still a step behind....maybe even a few steps when the hard days come...and while a hundred other things and people circle around you, sometimes you just have to bring the walls down and let it all come. sometimes you just have to let it consume you...not because you want it but because it needs to before you can let it all go.

while i am certain that this feeling will not last forever or even for very long, i am also sure that there is little in my heart that feels like home anymore....or that really resembles it.

i fear that there are pieces of me that are still lost. i also fear there are pieces i'm holding on to that i should truly let go of....because i am scared that good love won't happen twice...that it couldn't happen for me again...and here I am, just holding on but I'm not quite sure for how long or when I will just let go and trust that I can and will fly. I thought I was there...so certain...but I wasn't and I'm still hanging on by a thread.

so, for now....i am going to do something with this restless heart. i am completely uncertain as to what but i'm going to try.

.my heart.

six years ago today we got in the biggest fight ever. i was upset. so was he. we argued about getting married, not getting married, and he kept telling me i just needed to be patient. definitely not my strong suit. we had plans with friends that night. i didn't want to go. he said i had to so i got ready and went.

the car ride was silent. i pretended to sleep. he pretended i was sleeping. 

we both said things we shouldn't have. i'm not going to lie-we were not perfect in the slightest. i over reacted. he was always so calm when i was angry. 

dinner felt so forced. we smiled and talked and i laughed and joked and put on my happy face. i was still reeling.

on the drive to the concert, he apologized. he gave me this sappy sweet speech and i felt my heart sink into my stomach--you know, the moment when you just don't want to be mad anymore so you're not..and while my eyes were still puffy, i decided that he was worth the fight, the wait, and i would stop wondering why he took me ring shopping 2 months ago. i would just let it go. i would decide to just be happy instead of wondering if and when he was going to get down on one knee. he knew it was gnawing at me....that he took me 8 places and had me pick out 6 different rings. so, i stopped. i decided that i was going to enjoy the night out with my boyfriend and our friends. i wasn't going to wonder or over think. i was just going to live.

i left that night with my fiancée.

in the middle of martina mcbride singing Christmas carols, he got down on one knee and pulled out the most beautiful ring I'd ever seen...that I also never picked out. after he told me some of the most genuine things i'd ever heard, i said yes....called my dad at intermission, my best friend, everyone i could think of that i could get to in 15 minutes and, excitedly, i showed our friends this glittering and sparkling gem that just found a home on my left hand. 

gosh. i remember it so vividly. the people around us. the moment. what he said. all the planning i was getting ready to do. it was my most favorite thing.

so, today, is a hard day for me. the holidays are harder. we had some of the best and most beautiful Christmas traditions and memories. it hasn't been the same since he's been gone. 

i had no idea where our journey would go and that i'd have him for just a short time but i would say yes today, yesterday, and every other day, even knowing where we are now. 

it's amazing how life has shifted. i no longer am 18 looking for a knight in shining armor. i am a bit more realistic and grown up at this point. my heart is open and i am ready when God is....but, for today, I am ever so thankful for the man who showed up on his white horse and gave me his entire heart without reservation. 

and, even more than that, i miss him.

so much.