restless

Ahhh, Christmas....we meet again. I am somewhere between numb and unsure...mostly, unsure. I got through most of today with my brave face but, if we're being honest, I'm tired...really tired. I don't know how to "do" this exactly....I'm still finding my footing...three years later. I haven't cried, I haven't sobbed...I've just been sitting here....a bit numb and completely unsure. I know the waves are going to hit...I just am not sure when...so I'm just waiting....holding out and waiting.

I should be editing photos but my mind is wandering. like crazy. thinking about this year and all of the things I thought I would have accomplished. I am vowing for a more balanced 2013. I am still unsure on how to get there.

Trying to wrangle these feelings is proving to be harder than I thought. I'm posting my Christmas card on Facebook. seriously. in between skipping songs on pandora and trying to find my center. i keep watching my phone like it will blow up with a thousand people checking on me...but they aren't. in fact, my best friends haven't even checked. i think that's the hardest part. that 'alone' feeling where the rest of life has moved on but you're still a step behind....maybe even a few steps when the hard days come...and while a hundred other things and people circle around you, sometimes you just have to bring the walls down and let it all come. sometimes you just have to let it consume you...not because you want it but because it needs to before you can let it all go.

while i am certain that this feeling will not last forever or even for very long, i am also sure that there is little in my heart that feels like home anymore....or that really resembles it.

i fear that there are pieces of me that are still lost. i also fear there are pieces i'm holding on to that i should truly let go of....because i am scared that good love won't happen twice...that it couldn't happen for me again...and here I am, just holding on but I'm not quite sure for how long or when I will just let go and trust that I can and will fly. I thought I was there...so certain...but I wasn't and I'm still hanging on by a thread.

so, for now....i am going to do something with this restless heart. i am completely uncertain as to what but i'm going to try.