30,240 minutes.

Have you ever stood back and just looked at everything around you? I have. Sometimes by choice but a lot of the times because God has forced me to take a step back and slow down. You know those commercials where the person is standing in the middle of a crowded street and the traffic is flying by them--neon lights, and you're just paused...that's kind of how it feels for me. 

I was sitting here editing, as usual for a night at home, and suddenly my phone rang. I usually don't answer when I don't know the number but I did tonight and the voice on the other end was that of a strong, brave woman contacting me to take her family's last photos with her husband who is losing his battle with cancer. Immediately, my heart dropped and I knew I had to be brave for her. We chit chatted which is so obviously awkward but I did my best to ease her worries and promised she'd literally have to get them ready and I would do the rest when they came....it was then that she shared they have two small children....3 and 7...and a dog--we musn't forget the dog. Time frame? Three weeks. 

Three weeks. 21 days. 504 hours. 30,240 minutes. 

Process that for a moment. Three weeks isn't long enough to see the world, buy your daughter her first prom dress, teach your son how to hunt, fish, and play football. It isn't long enough to equip your spouse with all they need for every bill, scraped knee, car repair, or home improvement. There aren't enough hugs and kisses, heartfelt conversations, or even tears to stitch together the void that, while you can anticipate it...until you're in it, you won't have any idea how it feels. 

My heart broke for this family....when I asked how she heard of me she told me quite simply, she loved my work and had followed me on facebook for quite a while but more than that she knew my story--that I survived and that I know more than anyone else the moments I miss the most. She said she chose me because I am a survivor...and because I have known what it's like to lose the love of my life. 

I had always known that this dream of mine was a gift but not until today did I realize the magnitude of myself in it. I have always just seen it as a passion and dream and something I'm good at by the grace of God and while I pour my heart into it, I had never considered that the broken parts of myself are also what allows me to capture the moments you will hang on your wall for all of time. I had never considered that my own story...my own heart breaks would make someone choose me....because my heart has known sorrow. 

We talked some more....and I hung up the phone and felt the tears come. I cannot tell you whether or not I would have wanted to know that Chris was going to die. I can tell you that two weeks from tomorrow would have been our fourth wedding anniversary and if I had known then what I know now, the only thing I would have done differently is danced longer.

I would have never considered that nearly three years from the day I lost my best friend I would be consoling another woman headed in my same direction...in fact, I would have told you that I wouldn't be capable or worthy of that very sentiment...and I certainly couldn't have imagined that I would be a small fraction of her story in the moments she is trying so hard to cling to. 

All I know is sometimes someone needs and chooses you because of where you've been and because of who you are....and sometimes they just need to know you did survive...you still smile...and your heart is still beating...but mostly, every single human being just wants to know they are not alone. 

So, I will meet this family tomorrow and we will laugh and maybe we'll cry...but, mostly, we'll live because for an hour or so, life will stand still in those images and, years from now, they won't remember the bad parts--they'll feel the love and every beautiful moment in their story...that, my friends, is the most beautiful thing--the good does outweigh the bad...every single time. 

Love always wins.

Random Acts of Kindness

I feel like I'm a good person....ha, isn't that a great way to start a blog....good, though...not great, but always striving. I am relatively nice and try to see the good in everyone, even when it's difficult....but I have my moments of frustration and clear rudeness but I give effort every day in being better...


That was what I would have told you before I started Random Acts of Kindness for Lent....I now realize just how much I have had to learn. I've spent the last couple of weeks since Ash Wednesday filling my mailbox with brownies for my mailman, paying for the person behind me in the drive-thru line, sending flowers to random people-some of which I don't even know, sending cards to random people in the phone book, bringing goodies to the fire station, leaving post it's in the bathrooms of NYC with positive affirmations, and even giving away photo sessions....all of these things have filled my heart in so many different ways but Saturday, I got to witness the actual gift in the giving and it has changed the way I viewed this challenge midstream...in a way that I had never dreamed.


I always strive to be the photographer who would be known, not just for the images, but for who I am when we're together--that, for a brief moment I am a part of your life and I see you just as you are....sure I move your arms here and your feet there, but I see you as entirely good--I know nothing else about you and have no preconceived notions...and it shows in every frame I take. I laugh with you-either you love me or you hate me and, regardless, I am better for each session. I have always wanted to be more than just a girl who photographs people--I want to the person you recommend to your friends because she loved your kids through the tantrum or the faces or the inability to cooperate...I wanted to be seen, too.


Saturday morning I woke up early, grabbed some cereal and began to look outside at the snow...my neighbor's snow blower broke so he came to borrow mine--at first, I was clear that it alone was my random act of kindness for the day...then I realized I would have done that anyway. I wanted to make today extra special. I had families and people waiting all year for snow photos and here was my rare chance to capture six heavy inches before it melted. The idea popped into my head and quickly I shooed it away thinking no one would actually participate or I could go get a pedicure during that time instead...then, I remembered something my mom always told me, "If your heart feels it, you can't deny it-just go for it" The result of my heart that day were breathtaking.


I stood in the middle of the snow as people were waiting under a pavilion, building snowmen, meeting new friends, playing with everyone's kids, having snow ball fights, and living in the moments...or, as I often think of it-chasing the daylight. I met each new face with an open heart and got more out of that hour and a half than I have in a very long time. While it has been truly wonderful not to have witnessed the receivers of all of those other acts of kindness and just to know I've given of my own heart and will, there was something so beautiful to see a group of strangers bond over snowmen, snow pants, and high heeled boots trekking through the snow. To watch each of them wait patiently and love each other's children...such a sight...and I have favorite moments of each of their sessions...like the hats those sweet Knapp boys wore....and the fact that I could not remember who was Logan or Mason....sweet Izzy who somehow plopped herself in the snow and couldn't quite manage to move properly...two sets of twins....Sydney's fierce faces.....Jordan's intense and moving love for his mother...mowhawk hats and three C's....a sweet pixie in the white snow....two boys loving on their mama and their dog....and a mom who let her son be a little boy and eat whatever snow he wanted. 


Anyway, I left that Saturday afternoon knowing those people had impacted my heart. I thought, that morning, that I didn't NEED to go beyond allowing Mr. Wilson to use my snow blower but it turns out I did NEED that. Giving always makes me feel so good and I've not spent enough time doing it and to bear witness to the impression it can leave on another soul is the whole reason I do what I do. I need to make these random acts of kindness a part of my very soul--more than just the nice things I do for people--I should never go days without being kind or helping another.


Those sessions were not earth shattering....in fact, they likely will not change anyone's life but they changed mine....made me realize and so thankful to have been raised by such giving and amazing parents who always gave to my brother and I before themselves and still do...every day. I am learning that being kind is so different from being nice....take some today, pay it forward....I can promise you that it will bring you more joy than you had ever imagined.....


And, finally, to those very families who showed up on Saturday--thank you, from the very bottom of my heart, for bringing a piece of myself back that had missing....thank you....