a new year.

oh, 2013......so much of me is SO ready for your exit. I feel like I had such a love/hate relationship with you this year.

this year held the first of many for me....destination weddings....WHAT?! first, vegas....then aspen.....then 2 Georgia weddings for next year....how am i THIS blessed? how can i even put into words how much i love this business of mine? it's easy----it drives me crazy. sometimes good crazy. sometimes crazy lady crazy. and, most of the time, happy crazy. the summers always make me appreciate the winters. and the winters always make me long for summer.....it's a beautiful push pull of magnified experiences. the good shoots feel amazing and the hard ones (yes, they exist) always feel so much worse. it challenges me to my creative core....and, as a person, i am often standing back wondering just what i was thinking when i invested my heart into a camera and some lenses. but that's what it means when you love something so much it hurts....it means that your best moments are often overshadowed by the hard ones....that your triumphs are soon replaced by your short comings.

with many things this year, i felt like i was fighting to remind myself of the good and keep fighting off the hard moments. 

i lost friends. i changed jobs. which, in turn, changed relationships. i got hurt. i laughed with my entire soul. i fell. i got back up. i had beautiful moments of living. i learned how hard it really is to take the high road. and i grew....more so in the last 3 months than i have in a very long time.

i found my heart unsettled. my life was becoming complacent. and i was allowing behavior from others that i would have never tolerated before. and it sucked. my heart was aching. i was at the bottom of a very ugly hole and just kept digging because it was all i knew....and somehow, i finally found it in me to stop. stop glorifying busy. stop allowing myself to be a welcome mat. stop repeating myself. stop this unending cycle simply because it's what i knew.

so i cut back. i listened to my heart when it said to slow down and i took a deep breath and decided to make changes. but change is really hard. and it's scary as hell. while i seem brave and courageous, i really am not one to jump outside of my comfort zone....but, at 28 years old, i finally decided i really had nothing to lose and nothing to be afraid of. if it didn't work, i'd figure out something else....and if i fell, i knew i had people ready to catch me. 

maybe that is the most beautiful part of 2013. i really did find out who my friends are. and i was reminded how much i am loved by my family. both my friends...some who i've known forever and others who have known for what feels like five minutes.....and my family have come through for me in ways i wasn't fully prepared for. from sundays in the creek to a mended fence that i needed so desperately to my parents coming to my rescue a billion times to new friends who have solidified a place in my heart, i have come to find that you need different people for different things....and, sometimes, when you're not looking--they've all rallied around you until you are strong enough to do it on your own again.

and people....well, they surprise you.

so here it is--the giant truth that i've learned in 2013---are you ready for it?

life goes on.

cliche? absofreakinlutely.

but it's true. whether or not you want it to or are ready for it, time will keep ticking.....and you have a choice to make....dance in the trenches (thanks sarah ann) and move or keep digging in your ugly hole. 

so, i finally chose to move....and that choice changed everything. 

maybe there were two lessons.

make a choice. any kind of decision. and go with it with all of your heart. don't doubt it. don't second guess it. just. make. a. decision. own it. and learn to love it. because you can still surprise yourself. yes. you still have that in you. and yes, it can change your entire direction.

and for 2014....i hope to be more consistent....i hope to dream bigger...and live through it rather than to just get through it. seems small....but really, living is huge. 

it means you choose to participate.

to learn.

to grow.

and to love.

harder.

< 3

.four.

i remember my first christmas alone.....
and here i am, about to face my fourth.

i didn't expect to still be alone at this point. if i'm being completely honest, i'm not quite sure what i expected but if i know anything, it's that it doesn't actually get easier....you learn to cope....and you find that, for all the good days, the hard days still come and you fight like hell to stay afloat....at least, until you can't anymore. 

and, for as many ways as life has gone on as usual, there are just as many ways that it hasn't.

traditions on my own just aren't the same.....and santa doesn't really come for me in the same way he once did. it's just not the same. and, for 363 other days of the year that i can let that go....these two are days i can't and won't fight. 

it's strange. i still don't understand how the ache manages to amplify. i really don't understand how some days that i expect to be hard are so easy and how some hard days are so so hard. i just know that i'm in the middle of one of those harder hard days and while i tried to sleep part of it off, i woke up and still had tears in my eyes. 

and while i know it's okay, it sure is hard to remember the good moments on days and nights like these. i found some wedding photos the other day and i don't remember the girl in them. i don't remember who she was at all....i don't remember what my hair looked like or the countless beads on my dress. i can't remember the girl who was unafraid and believed in herself without any fear of what could or couldn't happen. because, when i least expected it, God ripped out the rug from underneath me.....and many times He has tested me....but never quite like that....and never again will anything come close to how absolutely awful that year of firsts was for me. the first birthday. first anniversary. first christmas. first everything. 

i'd give anything for five more minutes. for a proper goodbye. for one last time. because while i know there is some kind of plan waiting for me, you never stop loving someone you lost. and on this Christmas Eve night, i am reminded of his faith in God's timing....he was always SO sure and so faithful and it gave me so much hope. 

and that's what i'm missing tonight.

hope.

because somewhere along the way today, i took my brave face off and decided it was okay to miss him with my whole self for one more year......because, when i least expect it, life will change again and i'm going to be ready.....at least, i'm sure going to try.

merry christmas, friends. 

love is hard.

my heart is feeling heavier than usual tonight....it's been with me for much of the day and shoveling seemed to help a bit--at least it was something mindless enough for a solid distraction....but i'm here now, feeling the need to spew all of these things out of my heart.

here goes nothing.

love is hard. i read something the other day that said rejection is better than regret. it's been on my heart and in my mind for quite a while. i've spent a substantial amount of time talking myself out of him and over analyzing actions and conversations.....because, really--he's not what I was ever looking for....and somehow he worked his way into my heart. and getting him out of it has proven to be a challenge. but here i am, reminded that love is the only shocking thing left in this world. it's the only thing that can really change it....and there are distinct moments when i find myself lost in translation.

and, as i shoveled my driveway tonight, i found myself ridiculously guilty for the many ways i've taken love for granted. the selfless acts from my parents, friends, family, complete strangers and husband. i never had to go out there and shovel the driveway. i never had to worry about that stuff. while i picked up the slack in other ways, i'm now picking it up in most ways....and i am always reminded how much i miss that husband of mine during the first snow fall. it's always the little things that get me.....never a grand gesture or something out of a nicholas sparks movie......it's always the garbage or the laundry or the snow blowing that bring me to my knees. 

i felt the tears come down as i realized i was half way done and the ache in my heart where someone was once over took my emotions. they quickly grabbed onto snow flakes and soon i barely noticed they were there.....and while i haven't cried a cry like that in a while, it was all things necessary. and while i do not want anyone to call and make sure i'm okay....i wouldn't mind someone to physically be here. sometimes i forget how much i need that....just someone to be in the same room, without having to say a word. it's rare to find someone who provides that for you. it's even more rare to find it twice....and that's a fact. 

so this is what i know for sure.....i'm not sure that rejection is better....i'm not even sure that it changes that place in your heart that you've carved out for someone. i'm only sure that love is hard. it always takes work. and it's never really all that easy.... at least not like they say it should be. but really, nothing ever is what it should be, right? 

faith, trust and pixie dust. 

that's what i'm holding onto tonight. 

seven.

if i'm being honest, today has been rough. i woke up to a quiet rain that made me just want to stay in bed. i've questioned my abilities as an employee, friend, team mate, daughter, and human being. it's not that i suck. it's that today sucks. and sometimes i forget that i've come so far....because there are moments and days like today that make me feel like i'm not doing enough. 

and even though my heart is more open than it's ever been, i wonder if he'd be proud....if i've done right by his memory....and then i remember that he has always been proud. he has always been here. and he's always going to be in my corner.....even when he shouldn't have all of the time. but that's real love....they've got your back. friends. best friends. husbands. wives. mothers. fathers. sons. daughter. it's the unconditional kind that doesn't come around very often....so you hold on really tight.

It's the idea that someday I could love again that makes me keep on trying so hard....because, like many women, I love love. I miss belonging to someone. But I won't settle for just anyone. And I won't compare. I just miss the hell out of that unconditional some days.

And tonight, while I lay here in bed, I am trying to make peace with this rough day. The one that had me in tears on the drive home. The one that knocked me on my ass at least twice. The one that made me hold my breath for most of today....

And I'm letting it go.

So I can breathe again.