love is hard.

my heart is feeling heavier than usual tonight....it's been with me for much of the day and shoveling seemed to help a bit--at least it was something mindless enough for a solid distraction....but i'm here now, feeling the need to spew all of these things out of my heart.

here goes nothing.

love is hard. i read something the other day that said rejection is better than regret. it's been on my heart and in my mind for quite a while. i've spent a substantial amount of time talking myself out of him and over analyzing actions and conversations.....because, really--he's not what I was ever looking for....and somehow he worked his way into my heart. and getting him out of it has proven to be a challenge. but here i am, reminded that love is the only shocking thing left in this world. it's the only thing that can really change it....and there are distinct moments when i find myself lost in translation.

and, as i shoveled my driveway tonight, i found myself ridiculously guilty for the many ways i've taken love for granted. the selfless acts from my parents, friends, family, complete strangers and husband. i never had to go out there and shovel the driveway. i never had to worry about that stuff. while i picked up the slack in other ways, i'm now picking it up in most ways....and i am always reminded how much i miss that husband of mine during the first snow fall. it's always the little things that get me.....never a grand gesture or something out of a nicholas sparks movie......it's always the garbage or the laundry or the snow blowing that bring me to my knees. 

i felt the tears come down as i realized i was half way done and the ache in my heart where someone was once over took my emotions. they quickly grabbed onto snow flakes and soon i barely noticed they were there.....and while i haven't cried a cry like that in a while, it was all things necessary. and while i do not want anyone to call and make sure i'm okay....i wouldn't mind someone to physically be here. sometimes i forget how much i need that....just someone to be in the same room, without having to say a word. it's rare to find someone who provides that for you. it's even more rare to find it twice....and that's a fact. 

so this is what i know for sure.....i'm not sure that rejection is better....i'm not even sure that it changes that place in your heart that you've carved out for someone. i'm only sure that love is hard. it always takes work. and it's never really all that easy.... at least not like they say it should be. but really, nothing ever is what it should be, right? 

faith, trust and pixie dust. 

that's what i'm holding onto tonight.