a new year.

oh, 2013......so much of me is SO ready for your exit. I feel like I had such a love/hate relationship with you this year.

this year held the first of many for me....destination weddings....WHAT?! first, vegas....then aspen.....then 2 Georgia weddings for next year....how am i THIS blessed? how can i even put into words how much i love this business of mine? it's easy----it drives me crazy. sometimes good crazy. sometimes crazy lady crazy. and, most of the time, happy crazy. the summers always make me appreciate the winters. and the winters always make me long for summer.....it's a beautiful push pull of magnified experiences. the good shoots feel amazing and the hard ones (yes, they exist) always feel so much worse. it challenges me to my creative core....and, as a person, i am often standing back wondering just what i was thinking when i invested my heart into a camera and some lenses. but that's what it means when you love something so much it hurts....it means that your best moments are often overshadowed by the hard ones....that your triumphs are soon replaced by your short comings.

with many things this year, i felt like i was fighting to remind myself of the good and keep fighting off the hard moments. 

i lost friends. i changed jobs. which, in turn, changed relationships. i got hurt. i laughed with my entire soul. i fell. i got back up. i had beautiful moments of living. i learned how hard it really is to take the high road. and i grew....more so in the last 3 months than i have in a very long time.

i found my heart unsettled. my life was becoming complacent. and i was allowing behavior from others that i would have never tolerated before. and it sucked. my heart was aching. i was at the bottom of a very ugly hole and just kept digging because it was all i knew....and somehow, i finally found it in me to stop. stop glorifying busy. stop allowing myself to be a welcome mat. stop repeating myself. stop this unending cycle simply because it's what i knew.

so i cut back. i listened to my heart when it said to slow down and i took a deep breath and decided to make changes. but change is really hard. and it's scary as hell. while i seem brave and courageous, i really am not one to jump outside of my comfort zone....but, at 28 years old, i finally decided i really had nothing to lose and nothing to be afraid of. if it didn't work, i'd figure out something else....and if i fell, i knew i had people ready to catch me. 

maybe that is the most beautiful part of 2013. i really did find out who my friends are. and i was reminded how much i am loved by my family. both my friends...some who i've known forever and others who have known for what feels like five minutes.....and my family have come through for me in ways i wasn't fully prepared for. from sundays in the creek to a mended fence that i needed so desperately to my parents coming to my rescue a billion times to new friends who have solidified a place in my heart, i have come to find that you need different people for different things....and, sometimes, when you're not looking--they've all rallied around you until you are strong enough to do it on your own again.

and people....well, they surprise you.

so here it is--the giant truth that i've learned in 2013---are you ready for it?

life goes on.

cliche? absofreakinlutely.

but it's true. whether or not you want it to or are ready for it, time will keep ticking.....and you have a choice to make....dance in the trenches (thanks sarah ann) and move or keep digging in your ugly hole. 

so, i finally chose to move....and that choice changed everything. 

maybe there were two lessons.

make a choice. any kind of decision. and go with it with all of your heart. don't doubt it. don't second guess it. just. make. a. decision. own it. and learn to love it. because you can still surprise yourself. yes. you still have that in you. and yes, it can change your entire direction.

and for 2014....i hope to be more consistent....i hope to dream bigger...and live through it rather than to just get through it. seems small....but really, living is huge. 

it means you choose to participate.

to learn.

to grow.

and to love.

harder.

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