.four.

i remember my first christmas alone.....
and here i am, about to face my fourth.

i didn't expect to still be alone at this point. if i'm being completely honest, i'm not quite sure what i expected but if i know anything, it's that it doesn't actually get easier....you learn to cope....and you find that, for all the good days, the hard days still come and you fight like hell to stay afloat....at least, until you can't anymore. 

and, for as many ways as life has gone on as usual, there are just as many ways that it hasn't.

traditions on my own just aren't the same.....and santa doesn't really come for me in the same way he once did. it's just not the same. and, for 363 other days of the year that i can let that go....these two are days i can't and won't fight. 

it's strange. i still don't understand how the ache manages to amplify. i really don't understand how some days that i expect to be hard are so easy and how some hard days are so so hard. i just know that i'm in the middle of one of those harder hard days and while i tried to sleep part of it off, i woke up and still had tears in my eyes. 

and while i know it's okay, it sure is hard to remember the good moments on days and nights like these. i found some wedding photos the other day and i don't remember the girl in them. i don't remember who she was at all....i don't remember what my hair looked like or the countless beads on my dress. i can't remember the girl who was unafraid and believed in herself without any fear of what could or couldn't happen. because, when i least expected it, God ripped out the rug from underneath me.....and many times He has tested me....but never quite like that....and never again will anything come close to how absolutely awful that year of firsts was for me. the first birthday. first anniversary. first christmas. first everything. 

i'd give anything for five more minutes. for a proper goodbye. for one last time. because while i know there is some kind of plan waiting for me, you never stop loving someone you lost. and on this Christmas Eve night, i am reminded of his faith in God's timing....he was always SO sure and so faithful and it gave me so much hope. 

and that's what i'm missing tonight.

hope.

because somewhere along the way today, i took my brave face off and decided it was okay to miss him with my whole self for one more year......because, when i least expect it, life will change again and i'm going to be ready.....at least, i'm sure going to try.

merry christmas, friends.