defining beautiful

I've never considered myself beautiful by any sense of the word. In fact, I've recently described myself as the girl who's a 10 on the inside and maybe a 5 on the outside. I have lost 42 pounds to date and am still feeling like that's less than superb and yet I have these beautiful friends who are considered unbeautiful by definition of Vogue or Women's Health that carry themselves with such confidence and poise. They dress well, speak with words that are well thought, and have it together.

Today, I woke up, did something a little different with my hair, opted for a shade of eyeshadow that would match these big brown eyes, and picked a shirt I normally wouldn't wear. It's probably nothing all that out of the ordinary but I still feel subpar when it comes to the world of beauty and fashion. I have always loved who I am....my bubbly and borderline over the top personality, my compassion, my willingness to help someone, and that I'm warm...there isn't anything about me that is cold or uncaring....and while I've always believed that would win someday, I'm learning that beauty is different for everyone--especially for me. so here I am...learning to love and accept myself for who I am in this moment because even if I did look like heidi klum, i'm pretty sure that I would still have to learn to love some of the many things i don't.

but that makes me wonder, if we're all fearfully and wonderfully made, then why do i feel like this? perhaps it's part of society....and perhaps it's just part of growing up in a visually stimulated world. I am quite certain I'd be judged differently if I lived in a different country--maybe worse and maybe better--but if i went to a terrible part of africa with arms wide open, ready to just love a child, I don't know that what I look like on the outside would matter as much. for the record, i'm not planning on a trip to africa anytime soon.

it amazes me, though, how we find the homeliest dog to be cute or we see the beauty in the struggle after an animal has been beaten yet we judge others without knowing their story. You have no idea that I grew up on boxed meals and processed foods because it was cheap and it's what our family could afford. You also don't know how badly I was teased and made fun of. You wouldn't know that I have poly cystic ovary syndrome which has entirely altered my hormonal make up and you wouldn't know that i see people constantly and wonder if i'm pretty like they are.

while i understand we're not animals and i certainly was not one of the pit bulls that michael vick put against another dog because he was being a jerkface, I wonder why I can't accept that this face is pretty fine just as it is.

so here it is, my commitment to loving myself.....loving the pit bull inside of me if you really need an analogy (did i mention i'm not crazy) and hoping that I can see myself beyond the story and the rescue....and, even more, that I can see others for who they are and not what they look like. I'm going to try to stop putting my features against another woman's of the same stature or height and I'm going to really accept--once and for all--that there is only one me.....and thank God for that.

my own hero

they always tell you it's better in the morning.

and, honestly, i've always known that to be true. today is no different. i woke up at 5:59 am and took a deep breath and i did feel better. but not great. i still have a pull on my heart to let myself breathe a little....but as i went through my mental to-do list today, i am feeling less than adequate and completely taken over by my unbalanced life. but that's okay....really. i'm finding the blessing in that, too....because i have a great desire to reprioritize. unfortunately, it's usually only when i'm feeling down and out that i truly find it in myself to dig deeper and get to the bottom of these raging waters....like yesterday, when i realized i needed to let go.

i am not one to publicly vocalize my troubles and sadness....except for here...and this feels less public than facebook or some other large social media platform. most of the people who come here have found me by and for a purpose...i consider most of those who read this blog (even the people from russia and the netherlands who are faithful readers lately) to be friends. so i wonder, often, how many others are like me--trying so hard to hold it in and not even telling your closest friends that you're hurting. the people i work with and see the most every week have no idea how my heart feels....and my own mom has no clue that i'm trying to keep together...but i am....and i'm constantly reminding myself that this too shall pass.

i think the monotony of life gets the best of me sometimes. i definitely feel like i'm not doing enough or i'm not living enough but honestly, i'm not sure where else i could squeeze in more living or more doing. that's the thing with the glorification of busy--i truly am not glorifying it one bit. i'm JUST busy. i'm utilizing every minute of my day (or lunch hour at the moment) to do something productive. it's insane to me that there are people who literally do nothing. i took a nap yesterday and woke up feeling guilty about it--but my body literally needed to stop.....so i put on the breaks for 2 hours and wondered how people do this every single day...and how do moms do it--flying everywhere, managing schedules, living by the calendar. it blows my mind.

so, today, i'm searching for distractions. instead of thinking about hypothetical henry i'm thinking of the puppies my mom's dog is having this week. if you can't fix baby fever, puppy fever will have to come in as a close second....and while i'm not keeping one, i'm going to snuggle in some fresh puppy newness for the next eight weeks instead.

instead of thinking about dating in any sense, i'm thinking of a spring london vacation. saving extra here and there for different splurges. and a hot air balloon ride in there somewhere--maybe even before i leave. distraction completed.

you see, i'm totally making this up as i go along. here's a secret for you--i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing. i'm just winging it--one distraction here and another there until i've finally created a happier and more loving space in my heart. i'm sure you are wondering why i want a more loving place if i'm letting go of love--well, because, i've got to love me.....and that's a lot of work when you have only half loved yourself for quite a while....so i'm making space for my own heart, my own love, and my own version of happily ever after. i guess i'm deciding, once and for all, to be my own hero. i'm even contemplating making a cape. you know--for effect.

some days you don't win...and other days you just hope like hell you're a little closer to where you want to be than you were the day before. i'm still unsure on where the heck i'm headed....but i'm going somewhere. that's enough for now. because a start is better than nothing....and believe me, i'm fully prepared to fake it until i make it.

letting love go.

this blog has been in my head all day today. time to just let it out i guess....

i let love go today.

in between sessions, i had a 43ish minute drive back to elkhart where i grew up to meet my best friend and her family. on the way there, i was overcome with so much emotion....

lately, i have been so focused on the families/couples/babies/etc that i've been photographing. it has never bothered me before....but as I've now turned 28 and am noticing and wondering where all these plans went that i had made, I think it's become more than real....soooo, while i was driving and intermittently crying, i let go of love...the desire for it...the longing...and the hope that goes along with it.

i'm accepting that perhaps i found a glitch in the system-that love that good isn't meant to last forever....and maybe love, for me, comes around just once. maybe i can be everyone's cool auntie or the friend that can take your kids in a pinch or maybe i will just have the coolest dogs on the planet.

so, as i drove and let go of the many what if's in my world, i decided that letting go is about the only solution to this heavy heart i've been carrying. i think i have finally begun to accept my journey and love my life as it is....and as i spoke to God and told Him I would follow Him wherever he needs me to go, I put scotland to rest....i stopped over analyzing my on and off crush with my coworker....and i recognized how much i've grown to love myself and how far i've come since the bottom fell out.

i know that the only way to truly be happy is to be happy where you are right this minute with what you have. so many people have told me that love comes again...even for me....and so many others have told me i'm beautiful and all of those nice things but holding on to that has become too hard...the hope and the idea has begun to hurt too much and my fingers are blistering from holding on so tightly to the idea that one day i might have my own child run for me or a solid and happy relationship again.

and while i am unsure of where this path will lead me, i am entirely sure that this might be one of the hardest things i've ever done.....so the rain and the clouds today made for a perfect setting to ease this restless heart.

i cannot tell you what it's like to have your whole world ripped out and to start again....but i can tell you that it can change you if you let it. before chris, i had never really been on my own.....and now i can honestly tell you what it's like to be an independent person who can handle nearly anything that comes at me. i can tell you that some days i do not know how to calm the waters but i try to stay afloat.....and i can tell you that life does go on--even when it's hard...but i cannot tell you what to do or where to go or what will happen....it's impossible for me to understand or explain...i can only tell you that you just grow....your heart grows and you pick yourself up again and again.

so today, i let love go.....and it hurt....but i am hopeful the sting will wear off and my heart will find itself happy again....that my hands will heal and that maybe i'll find it in me to hold on to the idea of it again but, for now, i'll just keep swimming.

doing it all.

sometimes it feels like being human has a price.
maybe you're too afraid to say what you really feel. maybe you're too afraid to be rejected. maybe you're not good at expressing yourself. maybe you don't know how to pick yourself back up once you've fallen. maybe you just feel like you're not who you want to be at the moment. maybe there's a hundred thousand battles you're fighting and you can't find your words.
but some days all of that gets the best of you.
and here you are, trying to find your words....trying to find your smile....and trying to make it....

so yes, being human has a price.
being you is hard some days.
and, in case you were wondering, that "you" is actually me today.

i'm feeling less than awesome lately. i suppose it comes and goes in waves...and i suppose that everyone feels like that at some point.

i think, as women, we feel so much pressure to do it all that we forget that it all is too much for just one person. God didn't make us to do everything. He made us to do some things and to lean on other people. It's a giant puzzle to find your team mates....your best friends and your person.....but we aren't meant to do it alone. we're meant to love big....and not worry so much about all of the other fillers that make us question all we are doing with our lives.

i wish i believed that pep talk or that giving it to myself made any ounce of better. today i'm just tired and it's been a long day and, honestly, i'm beat. i'm also a bit sick of having to do it all so instead of editing, i'm blogging and hoping i can justify that when i wake up in the morning.

sometimes we all need a break.

and some days i'd like to take a sick day just for the hell of it.

but that's not who i am. and i don't know how to not feel guilty doing that so here i am, doing it all and praying that it doesn't take over me soon.

because i'm tired.

and i'm reminding myself that i'm no good to anyone if i'm not good to myself.

so i'm going to go to bed. and not feel bad. and i'm going to wake up tomorrow and try again......because, if nothing else, it is a new day....and there is always room to try again.

good night, friends.

Perfection

I feel like I have so much to say today.

I did a shoot for a client at the beach tonight. I watched them pull in and looked over to excitedly wave from my car...and instead I saw the mom take a big sigh. Not like a good sigh but almost a not excited sad sigh. I asked her right away how the kids were and she told me it had been a rough afternoon. We set out to have an adventure and I was trying to assess the dynamic. After a few set ups and shots I asked her if she was okay....she said she was trying to let go of the idea of perfect pictures.

Then I sighed.

I, too, want to give you those magazine-worthy images but I am also realistic. I am less concerned about everyone smiling and looking at me as I am that you are simply with me, in the moment. We all have off days and we all have expectations...especially of showing off your family that you see as so imperfectly perfect. You want the world to see those dimples that your son inherited from you, or how much your little girl looks JUST like her dad or how much you love them.

But here's the thing.....we will still see that. Chances are that your loved ones already know about the dimples and who looks like who and how fiercely they are loved....so before they check if your hair is in place or who is sitting where, they already have that warm fuzzy feeling just from seeing you. Because they love you....because they know you....because you are you. I also realize you know all of this and I am just someone you've known for five minutes telling you this.....but in those five minutes I've noticed your 14 month old is almost the size of your 3 year old and your husband's strong black wedding band and your daughter's perfectly round head and I've seen you carefully get your kids out of the car and grab a cardigan so they don't get cold and how you've convinced your three year old it was really his idea to take his shoes off. I've already begun to love you...even in just five minutes.

And I came home tonight and stared before a screen full of images that I love....I stared at the most perfect images. Because they're you.

So.....as with any part of life...I urge you to be present. To come to any situation with an open heart and to love your life, flaws and all.

This mom taught me a lesson tonight...and I am beyond grateful for her honesty. It is a beautiful thing to have made some magic with them.

I hope you hug your babies tonight and every night before they outgrow your lap. I hope you love harder and deeper....and I hope you spend your life in the minutes so by the end of it you will have lived each day to the fullest.....nothing in the world compares to your life.....nothing at all.

Judged for my heart

I attended my 10 year high school reunion last night and I'm left with so many mixed feelings. I think I have figured out why people don't attend these things. Some things never change. I found myself still nervous to approach the "popular kids" table and still sitting with the people who were on the outside of that very-popular-kid-clique. Who wants to be reminded of their status in high school?? Especially when you're approaching 30.....nobody.

It's funny because I now surround myself with people who find me to be fantastic, funny, wonderful, and brilliant.....and I certainly don't feel like I haven't done anything with my life in ten years....by no means am I disappointed or ashamed of who I am or where I've come.....but i sure felt like I didn't fit in yesterday. Granted, there were the few staple people where I'd always felt myself at home....but then it seems odd to me that in a class of 54 people and 10 years later, I again felt like that awkward sophomore who just couldn't find her place.

It amazes me at how much I left behind when I left that place and that town. The same very-popular-kid-clique proved to stick with what they knew and stuck pretty close to home....and I realized, as I say with my people on the unpopular group, I found that we had spread our wings the most. We've taken chances and tried to be better. We left and didn't think twice about it. For that alone, I'd rather be sitting at the unpopular kid table any day.

I am still feeling rather uncool this morning and hating the reminder of who I was once but I am comforted at the life I've built for myself now. There is not a single person in my life who does not add to it positively....and I don't compete in popularity contests. I am thankful for that...and for the fact that I've learned to love myself and truly appreciate the people in my life who don't make me feel like that awkward sophomore because while I am by no means "cool" I have a good heart, and I'd rather be judged for that than my clothes.

Cement

I'm in Milwaukee this morning for a Medicare conference....(aside from taking photos, I work for a fantastic chiropractor) and during the 95 minute drive....amidst being stuck in traffic, I have had plenty of time to think. Mostly about friendship. And time.

I've been realizing lately how conditional friendship has become. When it's convenient or when you really need someone and you reach out. When did it become that...when did we stop valuing friendship in the way that we once did. Was it when we got a new boyfriend or when time seemed to run away with us. At what point did we begin to justify our distance and at what point do we decide who gets our unconditional love. I've been struggling with that thought as I've struggled with conditional friends lately. I'm still unsure of what the answer to that is.

I know that I'm busy and life is busy but it seems easier to use that as an excuse than ever before. I also know that the people I thought would be here....even in my mundane moments...aren't and that's  disappointing to say the least.

I feel like there's a fear that exists in friendship that doesn't exist in your relationships with your families or partners....we are so scared to share what bothers us or vocalize the things that have hurt us because we don't want to change the dynamic but we don't realize it's already changed. When your bridge starts burning, the only way to put out the fire is to talk about it or you risk the entire thing going up in flames. I've bravely talked things out and I've foolishly watched some relationships go up in flames. Some of those were necessary....others were sad losses.....but either way, I'm here now....trying to find the best way to strengthen and grow the ones that matter.

Life is hard on your own. Friendship is a cement that kind of fills in the cracks between your family, your professional life, and the many other commitments you've made. You can certainly get by without it but the cement is what strengthens those other things....because it fills your soul...and there is nothing in the world that comes close to having a good or best friend. Nothing even close.

We all need a person or persons.....you know, like Meredith Grey and Christina. We all need someone who would drag a dead body with us across the floor. We all want that kind of unconditional. That's what I know for sure.

And, for the ride home, I'm going to focus on my persons and my best friends....because I am thankful for their cement.....and I'm thankful for their unconditional friendship......which is rare these days.

So if you're feeling like a conditional friend, I hope you consider who would drag a body with you and if you can't think of anyone, I hope you find out whether or not you need the cement.....that seems like a good place to start.

i think i can

wahoooooooooooo!
check out the new blog template....it's fresh and pretty.....fun pattern and clean lines--my favorite. i'm pretty excited about it...which is good because lately i haven't had much time to be excited about anything.

i'm trying to master the art of balance. i've determined i'm less than adequate at figuring it out. lately i've been exhausted, overworked and feeling a bit numb. the same things over and over and i'm having a hard time getting excited about anything. on top of that, we had one hell of a hail storm a few weeks ago and finding time to deal with needing a new roof was not in the plans. additionally, my car has a slew of damage and i'm finding that dealing with contractors has got to be up there on my least favorite things to do list.

i have been struggling with focus lately. so many balls in the air doesn't leave much room for error but it also doesn't leave enough time to devote to just one thing at a time. i feel like i'm constantly trying to find an extra five minutes and hitting the snooze button just a little too much lately. i know they say there are worse things and i realize i'm in my busy season....but i'm just tired...and i need a recharge.

i've been looking at a london vacation in spring and trying to free up some time in my schedule to allow an actual break. no cell phone. no computer. no editing. no work. just a good and solid reset.

i've also still been experiencing some strange signs but mostly i'm just taking them as reminders of how brave i was.....and how i overcame the fear i had built inside of myself. for that, i am beyond thankful.

and i'm also even a little glad summer is half way through......i'm ready for some cool air again (105 with the heat index this week) and I miss my sweaters and the crisp fall air. I wish fall lasted longer...it's my most favorite......so I'm hopeful I can find an island someday where I can wear sweaters and flip flops and make a fire in the evening.

only a few short months until i head to aspen for a destination wedding with my j. i'm pretty excited about that. she has been truly the best partner and friend i could have asked for as both a photographer and a human being. we found a pretty amazing studio space over the weekend....and it's way over priced but i'm still hopeful that we can make it work. it was amazing....my dreams at arms length instead of so far away....and beyond amazing that i found something like that in little old manitowoc, wi.

so, i'm hopeful. i can see the light at the end of the tunnel and i'm still on the tracks.....i'm just praying i don't fall off....or drop a ball....because while i can juggle with the best of them, i sure am getting tired.

sunshine.

soooo, I'm that girl...who listens to the same song on repeat over and over until I get sick of a song. I'm not entirely sure why, except that it just makes my heart happy.

i heard this song at a wedding I did last weekend....the bridesmaids walked down the aisle to it....and i thought the words were profound and perfect. nothing overdone and something realistic...and that made me happy. love sounded easy. and simple. like sunshine on your shoulder and rainbows after the rain.

while i do not have a person, i'd like to think i can be one to someone again....and, until then, i'll just keep on praying.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHqyRNNYRRw