defining beautiful

I've never considered myself beautiful by any sense of the word. In fact, I've recently described myself as the girl who's a 10 on the inside and maybe a 5 on the outside. I have lost 42 pounds to date and am still feeling like that's less than superb and yet I have these beautiful friends who are considered unbeautiful by definition of Vogue or Women's Health that carry themselves with such confidence and poise. They dress well, speak with words that are well thought, and have it together.

Today, I woke up, did something a little different with my hair, opted for a shade of eyeshadow that would match these big brown eyes, and picked a shirt I normally wouldn't wear. It's probably nothing all that out of the ordinary but I still feel subpar when it comes to the world of beauty and fashion. I have always loved who I am....my bubbly and borderline over the top personality, my compassion, my willingness to help someone, and that I'm warm...there isn't anything about me that is cold or uncaring....and while I've always believed that would win someday, I'm learning that beauty is different for everyone--especially for me. so here I am...learning to love and accept myself for who I am in this moment because even if I did look like heidi klum, i'm pretty sure that I would still have to learn to love some of the many things i don't.

but that makes me wonder, if we're all fearfully and wonderfully made, then why do i feel like this? perhaps it's part of society....and perhaps it's just part of growing up in a visually stimulated world. I am quite certain I'd be judged differently if I lived in a different country--maybe worse and maybe better--but if i went to a terrible part of africa with arms wide open, ready to just love a child, I don't know that what I look like on the outside would matter as much. for the record, i'm not planning on a trip to africa anytime soon.

it amazes me, though, how we find the homeliest dog to be cute or we see the beauty in the struggle after an animal has been beaten yet we judge others without knowing their story. You have no idea that I grew up on boxed meals and processed foods because it was cheap and it's what our family could afford. You also don't know how badly I was teased and made fun of. You wouldn't know that I have poly cystic ovary syndrome which has entirely altered my hormonal make up and you wouldn't know that i see people constantly and wonder if i'm pretty like they are.

while i understand we're not animals and i certainly was not one of the pit bulls that michael vick put against another dog because he was being a jerkface, I wonder why I can't accept that this face is pretty fine just as it is.

so here it is, my commitment to loving myself.....loving the pit bull inside of me if you really need an analogy (did i mention i'm not crazy) and hoping that I can see myself beyond the story and the rescue....and, even more, that I can see others for who they are and not what they look like. I'm going to try to stop putting my features against another woman's of the same stature or height and I'm going to really accept--once and for all--that there is only one me.....and thank God for that.