letting love go.

this blog has been in my head all day today. time to just let it out i guess....

i let love go today.

in between sessions, i had a 43ish minute drive back to elkhart where i grew up to meet my best friend and her family. on the way there, i was overcome with so much emotion....

lately, i have been so focused on the families/couples/babies/etc that i've been photographing. it has never bothered me before....but as I've now turned 28 and am noticing and wondering where all these plans went that i had made, I think it's become more than real....soooo, while i was driving and intermittently crying, i let go of love...the desire for it...the longing...and the hope that goes along with it.

i'm accepting that perhaps i found a glitch in the system-that love that good isn't meant to last forever....and maybe love, for me, comes around just once. maybe i can be everyone's cool auntie or the friend that can take your kids in a pinch or maybe i will just have the coolest dogs on the planet.

so, as i drove and let go of the many what if's in my world, i decided that letting go is about the only solution to this heavy heart i've been carrying. i think i have finally begun to accept my journey and love my life as it is....and as i spoke to God and told Him I would follow Him wherever he needs me to go, I put scotland to rest....i stopped over analyzing my on and off crush with my coworker....and i recognized how much i've grown to love myself and how far i've come since the bottom fell out.

i know that the only way to truly be happy is to be happy where you are right this minute with what you have. so many people have told me that love comes again...even for me....and so many others have told me i'm beautiful and all of those nice things but holding on to that has become too hard...the hope and the idea has begun to hurt too much and my fingers are blistering from holding on so tightly to the idea that one day i might have my own child run for me or a solid and happy relationship again.

and while i am unsure of where this path will lead me, i am entirely sure that this might be one of the hardest things i've ever done.....so the rain and the clouds today made for a perfect setting to ease this restless heart.

i cannot tell you what it's like to have your whole world ripped out and to start again....but i can tell you that it can change you if you let it. before chris, i had never really been on my own.....and now i can honestly tell you what it's like to be an independent person who can handle nearly anything that comes at me. i can tell you that some days i do not know how to calm the waters but i try to stay afloat.....and i can tell you that life does go on--even when it's hard...but i cannot tell you what to do or where to go or what will happen....it's impossible for me to understand or explain...i can only tell you that you just grow....your heart grows and you pick yourself up again and again.

so today, i let love go.....and it hurt....but i am hopeful the sting will wear off and my heart will find itself happy again....that my hands will heal and that maybe i'll find it in me to hold on to the idea of it again but, for now, i'll just keep swimming.