one life.

you know how you have moments where you have to wonder what God is putting together up there. since i sent my letter, my signs have been considerably less.....until this week when i began to plan a trip to london. in the last 3 days, since contacting an agency and looking at dates, they have now gotten person specific and not just scotland. and i'm trying so hard to just let it be what it is and not over analyze or read into it. 

that's the thing about me....i'm definitely an over analyzer. in fact, it's one of my best and worst qualities. i'm great at problem solving but not so great at not reading into things. even little things. like a text with a smiley face or without. or whether or not i should actually add one. ha. sounds ridiculous--i know. as i'm typing it, i feel a bit ridiculous.

either way, i'm planning on london and i'm excited about it. i think i'll be traveling by myself which will be odd for me since i always try to take someone along but i also think that i need a little time to myself to discover and explore. london has been on my bucket list, along with so many others.....but i've been missing europe since i left it about a year and a half ago so i do believe it's time to go back. 

i'm going to aspen in september to shoot a wedding. i was supposed to go next year but they moved it up so i'm, instead, going to use the time i planned to be there to go to london. i'm stuck between realllllly wanting to go for new years and going more toward april like i planned. anything after may would be hard because of my schedule and the amount of weddings booked for next year already. soooooooo, that being said, i'm entirely unsure when to go and i'm still waiting on availability and pricing. i guess we will see but i'm pretty determined to start knocking out this bucket list of mine. 

that's the thing about life....until you realize that it really is SHORT, you'll be spending it planning for someday instead of today. i've even been one of those people at different times in my life.....but i've been more acutely aware of how short it is recently. 3 families in the last 4 weeks with the mom or dad battling incurable cancer. my heart pulled in so many directions and i realized that when someone shows you how short life is, you must take notes....even 85 years may not be enough time to do everything i want to do. so it's time to stop planning on someday and start doing. because i have one shot at this life....and i'm not going to waste any more time. 

it makes me wonder how many people feel like they wasted time. maybe in a bad relationship or stuck at a job they hate. we all know you can't those moments back.....so you better make the most of what you've got, right? we all say it but how many of us actually DO it. sending that letter based on my gut was the most terrifying thing in the world....and while i have no idea if it was received, i only live once and i needed to be brave enough to send it. 

i have no idea what God intends for this one life of mine but i'm trusting that it's something great....which is hard....but necessary. 

and now i'm off to shoot another wedding. my second for the weekend. i'm tired. i need a vacation. and the light at the end of the tunnel is near :)

upside down

it's been a long week. a long month. and my heart is so ready to see the calendar turn to july 1. so ready. 

i'm tired. my heart is run down and exhausted....and i'm disappointed. people i thought would be there just aren't. and while time has changed so much, it reminds me that sometimes the people you didn't think would ever hurt you, will and do....often with little care for your feelings. 

people are selfish. 

myself included. 

but i've learned that people need me much more than i need a lot of my own things. so sacrifice happens. because you care about someone and you said you'd be there. 

and when people bail on you it hurts. it's hard. and there isn't much room for recovery. at least, not after a week like this. 

and my world is feeling a bit upside down. but i'm trying to just keep swimming. 

my heart has been longing for peace and comfort and some kind of sign that i'm on the right path....and while i'm not entirely sure if i'm missing the signs or so far into this funk that i cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, i have hope that i'm getting there somehow. 

i'm having a hard time putting my words together which tells me i need to do some soul searching tonight. 

until tomorrow.....

remember to breathe.

i sat on the bathroom floor at work this morning and cried. just cried. and cried. and prayed that no one would ask what was wrong when i walked out of the bathroom. 

no one said anything. i think people know.

but they don't know. at least, not the way i do. 

and i hope they never have to. but i'm feeling it today. every minute. every single smile that i'm forcing and every tear that's welled in my eyes that i've refused to let fall down my check. i feel them all. they're right here...in my lap....reminding me of the last four years.

some days it's hard to see how far you've come. today is one of those days. in four years, i've made a business. but it doesn't keep me company at night. failed relationships. lost friends. lost olivia. bridges burned. and i'm trying to remind myself that no one is the same. no journey is the same. but it's really hard to keep track of that on these hard days.

days like today i wonder why i have invested so much into something that cannot bring me soup when i'm sick or tell me a joke when i'm sad. i love my business. i was determined to create memories for other people when chris died because it's all i had left but let's be honest--my picture on the wall isn't changing anyone's life. it just makes it prettier. if i died tomorrow, you won't hear anyone say that my photo changed who they were. 

so i sat on the floor of the bathroom at work and i cried. hard.

i have a couple friends left who knew chris. i wish everyone could have known him....so that when i talk about him you can see him with me, in my heart. but so many people in my life have no idea what he was like or how many crows feet surrounded his eyes from smiling so much....or how curly his hair got as it grew...or that he went to the same barber for the same $10 haircut his entire life....or that he made the exact same thing for lunch every single day. every.day. ate the very same bologna sandwich with a vanilla pudding, string cheese, and a cheese and cracker snack pack accompanied by a pepsi. you wouldn't know that he could build the most amazing fire and he loved to go frisbee golfing. you wouldn't know that he sent me a text message every morning just to check in and say hello and that i sit here missing those words more than i ever imagined. you don't know that he sent me an email every single day for the first 4 years of our relationship and that i still have them all. and you wouldn't know that he walked in love. everything he did, he did with this fierce love and loyalty. 

and while i know all of those things, i would give anything for someone to remember them with me because i sit here feeling crazy because everyone else has moved on and here i am still remembering. and while i have accepted the place i am at, i am still mad that my husband had to die when so many people waste their lives barely living.....they're just breathing. my husband lived....why him? 

here i am, nearly four years later, still clinging to the clock to watch the minutes pass because i just don't want to be strong anymore. i fight so hard for this heart....and i'm tired. sometimes you just need someone else to carry you for a while i guess. but my person. my very best friend....well, he's gone....and as much as everyone says they'll be there, they're just not. 

so now i'm just holding on like hell that it'll be over soon. i have 7 more days until then....and i'm trying so hard to stay above water but i fear i'm losing grip on this inner tube. and i guess that happens when you lose someone you love. grief is a giant circle....no matter how hard you try, you always pass over the hard parts-sometimes again and again....there's no finish line....you just hope that you stay in the center long enough to take a deep breath before the pendulum starts again....and then you just hope you keep breathing. even if you have to remind yourself.

like dashboard confessional says.....remember to breathe.

just breathe.

funky.

i have so much going through this heart of mine. 

truth be told, it's been a long and hard week. i'm tired. and my heart hurts.

next week is my birthday. it's also what would have been my 10 year anniversary of when chris and i started dating. and in 10 days it'll be 4 years since he died. and my heart....well, it aches.

i'm trying to remember that my troubles aren't troubles at all. people have it so much worse and God has a plan. He's holding my heart and has mapped this beautiful series of events that i have no idea about just yet. i just have to trust and follow.

but 4 years on my own has made it apparently clear how unequipped i am to handle some things. relationships that have fallen through. friends lost. opportunities missed. and more waiting. waiting to find love again-if it ever comes. waiting for a family of my own. waiting and more waiting. everyone tells me i'm a catch and that i have too much love to give to find not to someone again but if i'm being totally honest, i don't really believe it. i'm not the most beautiful girl in the world and while i have lost nearly 50 pounds, people are shallow and make judgments without knowing. let's be honest, everyone sees your outside before they ever get to your inside and by the time they get to know your inside they've mostly moved on. and then you're back at the beginning. dating sucks. but i want a family and i want to be married again. i have truly let go of feeling like any of that could happen again. it's just a want now....and if it happens, great, but if not i won't be surprised. four years of being alone will do that to you. especially with the guys who have crossed my path. luckily, i've gotten out relatively soon when it wasn't right and saved myself some heartache but not all.

it's funny. i am still looking for many of the same qualities in a person that chris was. but everyone asks how can someone measure up. they don't. it's weird, i know...but nothing can come close. you can't compare your dead husband to someone else. it doesn't work like that. your heart just grows. i'm certain of that. 4 years ago i never thought i could love again but time has allowed me to open my heart up wider and see that it's okay to be nearly 28 and want the same things i wanted when i was 24. i never thought that would happen again but it's true that your heart heals. it gets better but it never goes away.

the trick is reminding yourself that it's okay to hurt. it's okay to be sad. and it's okay that someday i could love someone else and still be sad if that ever happens for me again. who knows.

i've been in this awful funk. just tired of the days and counting down until the 25th shows up on my calendar because then it will be over for this year. for now. then comes his birthday in july. i swear i just keep getting sucker punched one right after the next. but one never knows the day or the time. i tell myself that at least he didn't die on my birthday. at least it wasn't on our anniversary. at least it wasn't and a hundred other scenarios......but i don't know that i believe much of them some days. at least, not lately.

so for now, i'm back to putting on my brave face and hanging on like hell to this rope until it's over. because it will be over soon. 11 more days. 264 hours. 15,840 minutes......

lessons

I shouldn't be blogging.

I should be editing. and cleaning. and catching up.

but i'm here. blogging. because it feels better than the above three things. 

a week ago today I mailed a letter. That's right....the actual mail and a hand written letter that came to me in the middle of trying to fall asleep. i put it in the mailbox and felt this weight lifted and now all I feel is confused and i wonder if it was something i should have just burned. 

it poured out of me in about 15 minutes. it's like i had all these words saved up and they finally found their voice. then i found 20 seconds of insane courage and, after consulting three of my closest friends, i threw it in the mailbox and drove off....mostly because there's no good way of going back into a mailbox to pull out said letter once i dropped it in. so i didn't. i decided that i wanted nothing from it. i truly have no expectation. but now my head is spinning. should i have done it. was it stupid. do i look like i should be a part of the crazies club?

i know, i know. who cares if you look crazy--the people who love you know you're not. and it's easy to second guess everything. and i know all of the things people have said to justify my many irrational feelings. but i'm still feeling them. 

because being brave is hard. it's reallllly hard. you never know how things will be received. you're uncertain on whether or not you should have done it and you overthink everything. right down to the style of the stamp. in my defense, it's the only one i had and when i found my 20 seconds, i wasn't going to worry about the stamp. so i just went with it.

so here i sit. no idea if the letter was received. it might have been lost in the mail. or maybe it was too late. but it's out of my hands now. i believe that God wouldn't allow it to arrive if it wasn't meant to and that my saved up words would have disappeared if they were supposed to. but they didn't. and regardless of whether or not i ever get a response, i truly do feel like i did something right in being honest and open.

but i'm still scared. 

that's the funny thing about fear. it either possesses you or it doesn't. you let it win or you don't. it's like when i jumped out of that airplane....i could have died. but i didn't. my chute might not have opened. but it did. and all the stuff that i was scared of didn't matter. i needed a push and i jumped. and i landed on my feet. and here i am on the other side and all of that fear didn't do a single thing for me. what did change me was the leap.....because inside that 30 seconds of free falling i learned everything i needed to know about who i am. 

i am olivia.
i am strong. 
i am loyal.
i love with my whole self.
i'm brave.
i'm freaking funny.
i'm talented
i'm brilliant.
and i'm good.

i have to believe i did the right thing for myself in that moment. and i have to believe that sometimes the greatest lesson comes in learning how to close a chapter all on your own. i think it makes you stronger. i also think it gives you room to breathe. 

i believe miracles happen every day....but, even more than that, i believe that sometimes you're your own miracle...your own hero...and you can save your little heart all by yourself. and that, friends, might be the lesson i've been searching for this entire time. 

heavy hearted

june 1st.
the turning of the calendar came again today. 
and my heart is now processing the enormity of it all.
what used to be my favorite month for so many reasons now holds a snowball effect of sadness.
10 years ago this month, i took a chance on a boy who would forever change my life.
we met 2 days before my birthday.
then my birthday came.
and 2 days later he died.

four years this year. when i look back on these four years i really struggle. i feel like i've come so far sometimes.

other times it feels like yesterday and i remember every gory and ugly detail.

and the picture i can push out of my head for 11 other months seems to be ever present. the one that changed everything. the one that forced me to call 911. the picture that haunts me on the rough days.....the one that just won't go away.

so june is no longer my favorite month.

i used to celebrate my birthday like it was international holiday. and i think i believed that it was.

but the last one i had with chris i got completely wasted and passed out.
and he got mad.
and while he wasn't mad for long and we were fine i don't think i'll ever forget the look of frustration and disappointment in his face.

just like i'll never forget rolling over at 7:02 am on june 24th and asking if we really had to get up. 
i took a shower. i put on my black scrubs with pink trim.
and at 8:04 i was a widow. 
62 minutes. but more like 15 minutes. i found him at 7:17.
that's how long it took to change my life.

so when they tell you that every minute counts, they're not lying. in fact, it's the truest sentiment in the world.

but we spend so many days wishing for something else. 
when what need is often right in front of us.

and, this month especially, i am so very aware of that. if i had known then that my husband was going to die, you better believe there would have been things i would have said while i had the chance.

i would have thanked him for taking out the garbage and making dinner when i worked late. i would have acknowledged all the things he did without expectation. i would have let a lot more go when i had the chance and i would have picked different battles to fight.

but i didn't know. i can't change it. and all i can do is move forward.

i made a brave decision last week that included saying what i needed to say. not because i'm crazy or feel the need to beat a dead horse but for the very sentiment above. if i knew something would happen to you, i would regret not saying what is on this heart of mine. 

so i did.

and i have no idea on the outcome.

but i know that time stops for no one. myself included.
and i know what it's like to wish that time away.
and i know, even more, what it's like to wish for it back.

so while this month is hard and it hurts, i'm doing my best to not get caught up in all the dates and numbers and find it in my heart to be thankful that i had him at all.

because, above all else, i am. so thankful.