remember to breathe.

i sat on the bathroom floor at work this morning and cried. just cried. and cried. and prayed that no one would ask what was wrong when i walked out of the bathroom. 

no one said anything. i think people know.

but they don't know. at least, not the way i do. 

and i hope they never have to. but i'm feeling it today. every minute. every single smile that i'm forcing and every tear that's welled in my eyes that i've refused to let fall down my check. i feel them all. they're right here...in my lap....reminding me of the last four years.

some days it's hard to see how far you've come. today is one of those days. in four years, i've made a business. but it doesn't keep me company at night. failed relationships. lost friends. lost olivia. bridges burned. and i'm trying to remind myself that no one is the same. no journey is the same. but it's really hard to keep track of that on these hard days.

days like today i wonder why i have invested so much into something that cannot bring me soup when i'm sick or tell me a joke when i'm sad. i love my business. i was determined to create memories for other people when chris died because it's all i had left but let's be honest--my picture on the wall isn't changing anyone's life. it just makes it prettier. if i died tomorrow, you won't hear anyone say that my photo changed who they were. 

so i sat on the floor of the bathroom at work and i cried. hard.

i have a couple friends left who knew chris. i wish everyone could have known him....so that when i talk about him you can see him with me, in my heart. but so many people in my life have no idea what he was like or how many crows feet surrounded his eyes from smiling so much....or how curly his hair got as it grew...or that he went to the same barber for the same $10 haircut his entire life....or that he made the exact same thing for lunch every single day. every.day. ate the very same bologna sandwich with a vanilla pudding, string cheese, and a cheese and cracker snack pack accompanied by a pepsi. you wouldn't know that he could build the most amazing fire and he loved to go frisbee golfing. you wouldn't know that he sent me a text message every morning just to check in and say hello and that i sit here missing those words more than i ever imagined. you don't know that he sent me an email every single day for the first 4 years of our relationship and that i still have them all. and you wouldn't know that he walked in love. everything he did, he did with this fierce love and loyalty. 

and while i know all of those things, i would give anything for someone to remember them with me because i sit here feeling crazy because everyone else has moved on and here i am still remembering. and while i have accepted the place i am at, i am still mad that my husband had to die when so many people waste their lives barely living.....they're just breathing. my husband lived....why him? 

here i am, nearly four years later, still clinging to the clock to watch the minutes pass because i just don't want to be strong anymore. i fight so hard for this heart....and i'm tired. sometimes you just need someone else to carry you for a while i guess. but my person. my very best friend....well, he's gone....and as much as everyone says they'll be there, they're just not. 

so now i'm just holding on like hell that it'll be over soon. i have 7 more days until then....and i'm trying so hard to stay above water but i fear i'm losing grip on this inner tube. and i guess that happens when you lose someone you love. grief is a giant circle....no matter how hard you try, you always pass over the hard parts-sometimes again and again....there's no finish line....you just hope that you stay in the center long enough to take a deep breath before the pendulum starts again....and then you just hope you keep breathing. even if you have to remind yourself.

like dashboard confessional says.....remember to breathe.

just breathe.