funky.

i have so much going through this heart of mine. 

truth be told, it's been a long and hard week. i'm tired. and my heart hurts.

next week is my birthday. it's also what would have been my 10 year anniversary of when chris and i started dating. and in 10 days it'll be 4 years since he died. and my heart....well, it aches.

i'm trying to remember that my troubles aren't troubles at all. people have it so much worse and God has a plan. He's holding my heart and has mapped this beautiful series of events that i have no idea about just yet. i just have to trust and follow.

but 4 years on my own has made it apparently clear how unequipped i am to handle some things. relationships that have fallen through. friends lost. opportunities missed. and more waiting. waiting to find love again-if it ever comes. waiting for a family of my own. waiting and more waiting. everyone tells me i'm a catch and that i have too much love to give to find not to someone again but if i'm being totally honest, i don't really believe it. i'm not the most beautiful girl in the world and while i have lost nearly 50 pounds, people are shallow and make judgments without knowing. let's be honest, everyone sees your outside before they ever get to your inside and by the time they get to know your inside they've mostly moved on. and then you're back at the beginning. dating sucks. but i want a family and i want to be married again. i have truly let go of feeling like any of that could happen again. it's just a want now....and if it happens, great, but if not i won't be surprised. four years of being alone will do that to you. especially with the guys who have crossed my path. luckily, i've gotten out relatively soon when it wasn't right and saved myself some heartache but not all.

it's funny. i am still looking for many of the same qualities in a person that chris was. but everyone asks how can someone measure up. they don't. it's weird, i know...but nothing can come close. you can't compare your dead husband to someone else. it doesn't work like that. your heart just grows. i'm certain of that. 4 years ago i never thought i could love again but time has allowed me to open my heart up wider and see that it's okay to be nearly 28 and want the same things i wanted when i was 24. i never thought that would happen again but it's true that your heart heals. it gets better but it never goes away.

the trick is reminding yourself that it's okay to hurt. it's okay to be sad. and it's okay that someday i could love someone else and still be sad if that ever happens for me again. who knows.

i've been in this awful funk. just tired of the days and counting down until the 25th shows up on my calendar because then it will be over for this year. for now. then comes his birthday in july. i swear i just keep getting sucker punched one right after the next. but one never knows the day or the time. i tell myself that at least he didn't die on my birthday. at least it wasn't on our anniversary. at least it wasn't and a hundred other scenarios......but i don't know that i believe much of them some days. at least, not lately.

so for now, i'm back to putting on my brave face and hanging on like hell to this rope until it's over. because it will be over soon. 11 more days. 264 hours. 15,840 minutes......