lessons

I shouldn't be blogging.

I should be editing. and cleaning. and catching up.

but i'm here. blogging. because it feels better than the above three things. 

a week ago today I mailed a letter. That's right....the actual mail and a hand written letter that came to me in the middle of trying to fall asleep. i put it in the mailbox and felt this weight lifted and now all I feel is confused and i wonder if it was something i should have just burned. 

it poured out of me in about 15 minutes. it's like i had all these words saved up and they finally found their voice. then i found 20 seconds of insane courage and, after consulting three of my closest friends, i threw it in the mailbox and drove off....mostly because there's no good way of going back into a mailbox to pull out said letter once i dropped it in. so i didn't. i decided that i wanted nothing from it. i truly have no expectation. but now my head is spinning. should i have done it. was it stupid. do i look like i should be a part of the crazies club?

i know, i know. who cares if you look crazy--the people who love you know you're not. and it's easy to second guess everything. and i know all of the things people have said to justify my many irrational feelings. but i'm still feeling them. 

because being brave is hard. it's reallllly hard. you never know how things will be received. you're uncertain on whether or not you should have done it and you overthink everything. right down to the style of the stamp. in my defense, it's the only one i had and when i found my 20 seconds, i wasn't going to worry about the stamp. so i just went with it.

so here i sit. no idea if the letter was received. it might have been lost in the mail. or maybe it was too late. but it's out of my hands now. i believe that God wouldn't allow it to arrive if it wasn't meant to and that my saved up words would have disappeared if they were supposed to. but they didn't. and regardless of whether or not i ever get a response, i truly do feel like i did something right in being honest and open.

but i'm still scared. 

that's the funny thing about fear. it either possesses you or it doesn't. you let it win or you don't. it's like when i jumped out of that airplane....i could have died. but i didn't. my chute might not have opened. but it did. and all the stuff that i was scared of didn't matter. i needed a push and i jumped. and i landed on my feet. and here i am on the other side and all of that fear didn't do a single thing for me. what did change me was the leap.....because inside that 30 seconds of free falling i learned everything i needed to know about who i am. 

i am olivia.
i am strong. 
i am loyal.
i love with my whole self.
i'm brave.
i'm freaking funny.
i'm talented
i'm brilliant.
and i'm good.

i have to believe i did the right thing for myself in that moment. and i have to believe that sometimes the greatest lesson comes in learning how to close a chapter all on your own. i think it makes you stronger. i also think it gives you room to breathe. 

i believe miracles happen every day....but, even more than that, i believe that sometimes you're your own miracle...your own hero...and you can save your little heart all by yourself. and that, friends, might be the lesson i've been searching for this entire time.