heavy hearted

june 1st.
the turning of the calendar came again today. 
and my heart is now processing the enormity of it all.
what used to be my favorite month for so many reasons now holds a snowball effect of sadness.
10 years ago this month, i took a chance on a boy who would forever change my life.
we met 2 days before my birthday.
then my birthday came.
and 2 days later he died.

four years this year. when i look back on these four years i really struggle. i feel like i've come so far sometimes.

other times it feels like yesterday and i remember every gory and ugly detail.

and the picture i can push out of my head for 11 other months seems to be ever present. the one that changed everything. the one that forced me to call 911. the picture that haunts me on the rough days.....the one that just won't go away.

so june is no longer my favorite month.

i used to celebrate my birthday like it was international holiday. and i think i believed that it was.

but the last one i had with chris i got completely wasted and passed out.
and he got mad.
and while he wasn't mad for long and we were fine i don't think i'll ever forget the look of frustration and disappointment in his face.

just like i'll never forget rolling over at 7:02 am on june 24th and asking if we really had to get up. 
i took a shower. i put on my black scrubs with pink trim.
and at 8:04 i was a widow. 
62 minutes. but more like 15 minutes. i found him at 7:17.
that's how long it took to change my life.

so when they tell you that every minute counts, they're not lying. in fact, it's the truest sentiment in the world.

but we spend so many days wishing for something else. 
when what need is often right in front of us.

and, this month especially, i am so very aware of that. if i had known then that my husband was going to die, you better believe there would have been things i would have said while i had the chance.

i would have thanked him for taking out the garbage and making dinner when i worked late. i would have acknowledged all the things he did without expectation. i would have let a lot more go when i had the chance and i would have picked different battles to fight.

but i didn't know. i can't change it. and all i can do is move forward.

i made a brave decision last week that included saying what i needed to say. not because i'm crazy or feel the need to beat a dead horse but for the very sentiment above. if i knew something would happen to you, i would regret not saying what is on this heart of mine. 

so i did.

and i have no idea on the outcome.

but i know that time stops for no one. myself included.
and i know what it's like to wish that time away.
and i know, even more, what it's like to wish for it back.

so while this month is hard and it hurts, i'm doing my best to not get caught up in all the dates and numbers and find it in my heart to be thankful that i had him at all.

because, above all else, i am. so thankful.