my own hero

they always tell you it's better in the morning.

and, honestly, i've always known that to be true. today is no different. i woke up at 5:59 am and took a deep breath and i did feel better. but not great. i still have a pull on my heart to let myself breathe a little....but as i went through my mental to-do list today, i am feeling less than adequate and completely taken over by my unbalanced life. but that's okay....really. i'm finding the blessing in that, too....because i have a great desire to reprioritize. unfortunately, it's usually only when i'm feeling down and out that i truly find it in myself to dig deeper and get to the bottom of these raging waters....like yesterday, when i realized i needed to let go.

i am not one to publicly vocalize my troubles and sadness....except for here...and this feels less public than facebook or some other large social media platform. most of the people who come here have found me by and for a purpose...i consider most of those who read this blog (even the people from russia and the netherlands who are faithful readers lately) to be friends. so i wonder, often, how many others are like me--trying so hard to hold it in and not even telling your closest friends that you're hurting. the people i work with and see the most every week have no idea how my heart feels....and my own mom has no clue that i'm trying to keep together...but i am....and i'm constantly reminding myself that this too shall pass.

i think the monotony of life gets the best of me sometimes. i definitely feel like i'm not doing enough or i'm not living enough but honestly, i'm not sure where else i could squeeze in more living or more doing. that's the thing with the glorification of busy--i truly am not glorifying it one bit. i'm JUST busy. i'm utilizing every minute of my day (or lunch hour at the moment) to do something productive. it's insane to me that there are people who literally do nothing. i took a nap yesterday and woke up feeling guilty about it--but my body literally needed to stop.....so i put on the breaks for 2 hours and wondered how people do this every single day...and how do moms do it--flying everywhere, managing schedules, living by the calendar. it blows my mind.

so, today, i'm searching for distractions. instead of thinking about hypothetical henry i'm thinking of the puppies my mom's dog is having this week. if you can't fix baby fever, puppy fever will have to come in as a close second....and while i'm not keeping one, i'm going to snuggle in some fresh puppy newness for the next eight weeks instead.

instead of thinking about dating in any sense, i'm thinking of a spring london vacation. saving extra here and there for different splurges. and a hot air balloon ride in there somewhere--maybe even before i leave. distraction completed.

you see, i'm totally making this up as i go along. here's a secret for you--i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing. i'm just winging it--one distraction here and another there until i've finally created a happier and more loving space in my heart. i'm sure you are wondering why i want a more loving place if i'm letting go of love--well, because, i've got to love me.....and that's a lot of work when you have only half loved yourself for quite a while....so i'm making space for my own heart, my own love, and my own version of happily ever after. i guess i'm deciding, once and for all, to be my own hero. i'm even contemplating making a cape. you know--for effect.

some days you don't win...and other days you just hope like hell you're a little closer to where you want to be than you were the day before. i'm still unsure on where the heck i'm headed....but i'm going somewhere. that's enough for now. because a start is better than nothing....and believe me, i'm fully prepared to fake it until i make it.