hiccups

yesterday was not a very good day. in fact, for many reasons it may go down as one i despise for quite a while.....

it's hard owning your own business. it's harder when one of your business partners is your friend and i mean that in the best possible way. We had a hiccup yesterday. Initially, I wasn't angry and I couldn't figure out why....I was frustrated and maybe a little disappointed but I never hit the anger part. Part of me feels like I should have been but mostly, I just feel like I let her down and, in turn, i let myself down....and that, friends, is a harsh reality. I have been so busy lately that my radar on what is going on in ALL parts of my business has been off. In fact, if I'm being honest, I've been off. Stuck in the mundane, trying desperately to get my creative mojo back....and knowing that I'm doing nothing for anyone else because I'm barely doing anything for myself. so yesterday, it became very clear how much I've been faking it....especially when I was cutting and pasting (essentially) 6 images together to make one....and still praying this enlarged print turns out.

Sigh.

So.....what now? I'm not entirely sure. In fact, I cannot even tell you that I'm ready to move from my stuck spot....this week certainly feels like it's gotten the best of me and it's only thursday....but I am certain of a few things. Life is hard. Being an active participant in life is harder. You never know if someone will appreciate your efforts or if all of your trying will still fall short.

Many pieces of my life are moving...friendships changing shape....a true decision to stop caring about the opposite sex....and a career that is ever changing. Those are my big pieces...the ones that fill my life with priority and love....and I'm struggling to keep up....but I'm also fully aware that I have to be a piece in there somewhere. I have, lately, felt the true struggle with "doing it all" and am now at a point where I'm trying so hard to free up my life that I think it's getting worse. I am the worst at saying no to people and it drives me crazy. I always want to help people but it's taking a toll and here I was yesterday, with a hiccup, because I said no and it didn't go well. My choice to turn away a large family on my birthday so I could have a day off left my friend and partner in a compromising position when I should have known better.

I'm sure I can turn these lemons into lemonade and I'm more sure that I'm going to be okay and learn from this disappointing lesson....but the thing about hiccups is they stay with you for a while....and I think my heart will be reeling from this for a little bit....mostly because I feel like I let my friend down and my client....and I never like doing either of those things.

So, I think I'm going to take a bit of a sabbatical.....dig deeper into the things I need to work on and spend less time doing things that are unimportant and uninspired. I'm going to take a break from facebook and work only when necessary to finish sessions. Right now, what I really need is a step back because my tank is pretty empty.

They say you can get the hiccups scared out of you or you can drink lots of water or you can hold your breath or you can put a pencil between your teeth and drink something...and probably a handful of other old wives tales that are a sure bet to beating them. Honestly, I'm not sure which of these sounds crazier but I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't about to try them all.