line in the sand

i could really go for a thunderstorm. it's amazing how much the weather can comfort someone.

i've had some crazy dreams lately....and i'm just feeling a bit down today. investing in people is hard. you never know if you're appreciated or cared about until it's often too late. sometimes i wonder if people realize how their actions and decisions can impact someone else.

i've always believed that guys and girls can't be friends forever. i still think that's true. at least, when it comes to my life. i've had many friends of the opposite sex who i've gotten close to.....and, unfortunately, i cannot stop the piece of myself that wants to marry my best friend....so when i get this close, it's hard to not want to cross that friend line....even when i know what's best for me.

so here i sit, fighting the feelings that seem to be haunting me and knowing the only way to to get through it is to stop spending time together, stop caring so much, and just stinking let go....but it's not that easy...not in any kind of matter of the heart. and yes, there are a hundred thousand movies and television shows that make me believe that giving up is not the right answer but there is so much of me that knows i cannot do this anymore.

the problem is that i cannot avoid him....and i absolutely should not have feelings....but i do.

and that is the hardest part about being friends with a man who makes you laugh and smile and infuriates you but makes it impossible to be mad at for long....because, at some point, someone has to draw a line in the sand and stick to it and since he isn't drawing, i will....and then i'll hope like hell that i can stick to my side of the line.

that's the tricky thing about love....investing in someone is far more dangerous than lusting after them. when you invest you care about their heart and you just want to see them happy....when you just want someone for their outside, you don't care as much about the rest. so now i'm trying to figure out how to "uninvest" if that's at all possible. for the record, i don't think it is.

and here i am, praying for rain and a bit of a comfort and peace for this heart tonight....

but even more, for the courage to stay behind my line.