silver linings and ruby slippers

sigh. this blog has been on my heart for a few days.....and i think i've finally found my words.

i have, lately, felt so incredibly unsure of my place in my own life. i've felt more than one kind of guilt over leaving my dogs for hours to pursue my dreams....i've been distracted, dropped the ball, been uninspired, and have felt left behind by a few people who i care about more than anything. in an attempt to not be clingy or needy, i've allowed myself the space to deal with it within my own heart and have, truthfully, cried more than i've laughed in the last week.

all that ugly stuff aside, i've truly found myself thankful for the many people who have stepped up recently and sensed my mood before i could actually verbalize the things i've been fighting. my heart has been so restless and my entire self has been exhausted....down to my core...but if i'm truly honest, i know i've brought on some of it myself. i've over scheduled my life in an attempt to just not deal with the hard stuff....because i'm tired of the hard stuff except it always catches up to you. in fact, i can tell you the many times I'VE told people that very sentiment.

i'm sure you're wondering if there's a silver lining because this has been pretty depressing thus far....and yes, there certainly is. for me, it wasn't a giant epiphany and nothing super happened to me....the silver lining has existed all along.....and i found it among the beautiful moments spent with my friends and family in the last 5ish days. i found it in my mom's comforting words and true love as she told me that the sun would, in fact, come out tomorrow. i found it among friends on a completely spontaneous friday night in a place that had a hand in pushing me into this funk a few weeks ago. i found it while i carried three lenses and directed a wedding couple into the photos of my career this last weekend. and, today, i found it in these 10 minutes between photos here at starbucks....it's like when Glinda tells Dorothy that she's had the power to go home all along.....it's how i feel about my silver lining. i have spent too much energy focusing on the things that will get me nowhere....and too little time focusing energy on the absolute wonderful and positive things in my life. that's a hard balance, friends....one that i wish i could tell you i've mastered....but after a hiccup in my business last week, i found it difficult to see all the good i've been striving for.

and you know what, i'm glad i didn't see it right away. i'm glad that i felt the sadness that comes with knowing you wanted to do better and didn't....because not a single thing in the world compares to the content feeling in your heart when you just let yourself off the hook.

i have beaten myself up long enough and wondered why i haven't been worth keeping around for some people, all the while knowing that relationships change at many parts of our life and i've questioned my existence, my ability as a leader, and the many times i've spent too much time over analyzing all parts of life.....and i've done all of those things quite well....

but today, i gushed to my boss about the many things i've done right in an attempt to begin to pick myself back up again....i laughed on purpose and i tried like hell not to get caught up in all of my short comings. i've counted my blessings for random acts of kindness and been thankful for the fact that my curls held in my hair nearly all day long. you see, when it's hard to find the good stuff, one compliment on your hair can make all the difference....and i've clung to it all day.

so many people look at my life and tell me constantly how awesome it would be to be me....and some days it surely is awesome....but the reality of it all is that i'm human--just like everyone else....and it's not always awesome but it's always real and i'm here....which is a gift in and of itself when i know how very short life is.

and, for tonight, i'm clicking my heels together, just like Dorothy did-surrounded by my own version of the lion, scarecrow, tin man and Glinda who will remain unnamed-and reminding myself there's no place like home....there's no place like home....there's no place like home.....