conditional friends

if there are two things i despise it is avoidance and dishonesty.

i hate feeling like i'm not worth being honest to and, even more, that you'd rather change the subject than just tell me the truth. i don't understand why people feel the need to hide things. i have always been pretty transparent and believed in the idea that if you don't want people to know about it, you probably shouldn't be doing it.

at some point, there has to be a point when they get sick of dancing around the subject, too.....right??!

i shouldn't care. i mean it's not my life. but i'm not one of those people who can just shrug it off because it's not my life. i mean, if you're going to jump in front of a train, i'm not about to stand there and let you do it because it's YOUR life. when YOUR life starts impacting other people, it's probably time that you start listening and stop doing. you start practicing honesty and feelings and you stop avoiding and pretending so you don't have to answer for your decisions. that, my friends, is not okay.

and here i am wondering when honesty became a lost art. i've been known for my blunt honesty and you either love it or hate it but i don't know any other way to be. and i also don't know that i'd want to be any other way. there are hundreds of times in my life where i could have just told people what they wanted to hear but that's not doing any kind of service to anyone. if you want to know how i feel, i'll tell you. and if you don't, then don't ask :)

but, in all seriousness, i just hate feeling like i'm not worth your honesty or time. there are few things in friendship and relationships that i hold sacred and honesty and trust are the top two. maybe it's because i've been hurt and played before OR because i've also been the friend who was too scared to be honest at one point or another. i've been on both sides and i realize how much easier it is to just be who you are and not apologize for it later.

sigh.

i also realize i need to pick and choose my battles. you can't change people and getting upset will only do so much....but man, it's hard to just stand back and become a spectator in a life you care about. really hard.

and, truly, i am beyond grateful for the people who haven't avoided subjects and have always given me their full honesty and disclosure even when i don't want to hear it. those are the people i need to keep close in life...and i am reminded today that they are rare and wonderful and i'm thankful for that.

i don't do conditional friendship or love. i'm all in or all out and i will give until i cannot anymore.....and i guess that's why i hope for the same back. i am also very realistic in my need to let go of expectation. while all relationships are a two way street, people are not and you have to take the good with the bad i suppose. you can't love people in slices. but you can step back. and you can re-evaluate. and that is just what i plan on doing.