i sat there today screaming inside. instead of actually screaming, i shut off. i quietly remained calm and avoided every "what's wrong" with a response that allowed me to avoid the feelings in my heart for as long as humanly possible...or 10 hours, whichever came first. i prayed you wouldn't see through me but i'm quite certain you did....or you really are that oblivious.
and i sat in my office and fought every urge to say what i am really thinking. and i decided, right then and there, that you are just a moment in time....that someday you'll leave and probably never think of me again and i need to start doing the same about you. and hope like hell that i can actually do it.
letting love go.
it seemed so much easier before this weekend. i don't know what happened....other than that i think i let my guard down a little too long and here i am....fighting to put it back up or that i finally admitted to myself everything i've been thinking and feeling. i'm not so sure where i stand with myself at the moment...just that i'm more confused than i've been in a while and trying so hard not to get lost in the shuffle.
sooooo
in the middle of editing a gazillion wedding photos, i'm just trying to put it all out of my head for a while and be thankful for the mass of confusion in my heart because it means i feel things....a lot of things....even when i just don't want to.
i would hate to go through life without feeling anything.....or to have the ability to just turn off my feelings and not care. i think it would make for a pretty boring ride. and i don't like boring.
and i'm trying not to wonder what he's doing tonight or who he might be with or if i even fit into the equation at all.....because worrying won't change a thing....and wondering is getting old. nobody is perfect and everyone needs something to believe in so i'm just going to believe in me at the moment....and focus on what i know for sure.....
that it'll all be better in the morning.
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