Tomorrow

This week held a lot of unknowns if I'm being honest. I got into a fight with my best friend--one I am still not sure we will recover from....I stood up for myself at work which is rare....I took a chance on trying something new and I tried like hell to let go of this frown I've been carrying. I would say I was about 80% successful on the last part but tonight I am still searching my smile and grasping for straws.

Love is a funny thing. It comes to you when you aren't looking. Even then it's questionable. Even then we spend time analyzing and overthinking situations and things. It is impossible for me to believe that love can come again. At least, right now it feels pretty impossible. I have grown to accept that this life....these dogs....and a business that I built from the very depths of myself are about all I have right now. In my attempts at letting love go I think I fell deeper without even realizing it.

I still get Scotland signs so consistently. I wonder what God is trying to say. I always find a way to tell myself He is saying not to give up. But let's be honest...he isn't going to write back to that letter I sent. In fact, he probably doesn't know that I exist. He might have once but you can't make someone love you and you certainly can't make someone like you. In the middle of realizing that I need to let go of the idea of a response I found myself saddened that I wasn't worth it. Truly, I wasn't mean or spiteful. I just needed to get it out. And to be acknowledged. But he probably does really think I'm crazy. I'm not sure. I just know that walking away is the most necessary action I can find. Signs or not, you can't go where you're not wanted. As much as I am dreaming of a London vacation, I'm terrified I'll run into him....and then what. Even the thought gives me false hope....so it's time to start walking before I find myself convinced that he never got my letter or he's still finding his words.

And then there's Mario. Man, I have been hard on him lately. But it's because I know the truth. His truth that he won't admit and keeps carrying. And it's because I let my guard down too much and he hurt me. He doesn't even know what he did but it has stayed with me for weeks. It has rocked me to the core and I am so very aware he has no idea. My heart can't take much more when it comes to his careless actions so I have to move on before it consumes me.

Moving on and letting go are harder than they look. Feelings can suffocate you if you're not careful and those same feelings can save you if you are brave enough to let them.

Today I'm not feeling very brave. At all.

But maybe I will feel it tomorrow.

And hopefully I'll surprise myself tomorrow.