.my heart.

six years ago today we got in the biggest fight ever. i was upset. so was he. we argued about getting married, not getting married, and he kept telling me i just needed to be patient. definitely not my strong suit. we had plans with friends that night. i didn't want to go. he said i had to so i got ready and went.

the car ride was silent. i pretended to sleep. he pretended i was sleeping. 

we both said things we shouldn't have. i'm not going to lie-we were not perfect in the slightest. i over reacted. he was always so calm when i was angry. 

dinner felt so forced. we smiled and talked and i laughed and joked and put on my happy face. i was still reeling.

on the drive to the concert, he apologized. he gave me this sappy sweet speech and i felt my heart sink into my stomach--you know, the moment when you just don't want to be mad anymore so you're not..and while my eyes were still puffy, i decided that he was worth the fight, the wait, and i would stop wondering why he took me ring shopping 2 months ago. i would just let it go. i would decide to just be happy instead of wondering if and when he was going to get down on one knee. he knew it was gnawing at me....that he took me 8 places and had me pick out 6 different rings. so, i stopped. i decided that i was going to enjoy the night out with my boyfriend and our friends. i wasn't going to wonder or over think. i was just going to live.

i left that night with my fiancée.

in the middle of martina mcbride singing Christmas carols, he got down on one knee and pulled out the most beautiful ring I'd ever seen...that I also never picked out. after he told me some of the most genuine things i'd ever heard, i said yes....called my dad at intermission, my best friend, everyone i could think of that i could get to in 15 minutes and, excitedly, i showed our friends this glittering and sparkling gem that just found a home on my left hand. 

gosh. i remember it so vividly. the people around us. the moment. what he said. all the planning i was getting ready to do. it was my most favorite thing.

so, today, is a hard day for me. the holidays are harder. we had some of the best and most beautiful Christmas traditions and memories. it hasn't been the same since he's been gone. 

i had no idea where our journey would go and that i'd have him for just a short time but i would say yes today, yesterday, and every other day, even knowing where we are now. 

it's amazing how life has shifted. i no longer am 18 looking for a knight in shining armor. i am a bit more realistic and grown up at this point. my heart is open and i am ready when God is....but, for today, I am ever so thankful for the man who showed up on his white horse and gave me his entire heart without reservation. 

and, even more than that, i miss him.

so much.