1825

1825 days.
that's how long it's been since i last laid eyes on my christopher.
i've felt each one of those days. some more than others...and the majority of the last 1000 have been beautiful days. i know this....i feel the joy in my heart. i have laughed with my entire self. i have lived so presently through some of those days and other days, i have been completely leveled.
grief is a cycle.
it means that sometimes your past is more present than your present and your future often seems so far away.
it means that some days you don't want to get out of bed.
it means that other days you forget, for minutes and seconds, your title of "widow" and you're allowed time to be just olivia
i knew today was coming. i saw it from a mile away.
and when i woke up this morning, i still felt like i got sucker punched.
i didn't cry right away. i laid in bed for a while...snuggled my fur babies...and when i least expected it, one tear rolled down my face and then i let it all go.

i have spent the better part of 15 minutes or so thumbing through photos from the last five years....
i have had some beautiful adventures and i've been surrounded by some pretty amazing people--i am certain each hand picked to walk beside me on this journey. i have traveled....lost friends...made new ones...cherished the steady ones...been taken care of by my family...taken huge leaps of faith...set out to make my dreams a reality...and i've lived the length and width of most days. children have called for me, fallen asleep on my chest, and time has moved on whether or not i've been fully ready for it.

i've made mistakes, said things i wish i hadn't, and i've taken chances on love that just didn't turn out. but i'm still here. and i remember that every single day.

but today, i am taking off this brave face. for 23 other days i have worn it with every ounce of courage i have. but not today....not because i can't do it....but because you have to hurt to heal. my broken heart has allowed me to grow in ways i never imagined. it's taught me to trust myself and i've learned that i'm far stronger than i ever gave myself credit....and i believe, fully, that God knows exactly what He's doing in my life. I don't always trust it. I don't always give up complete control....but I believe it....and on hard days like today, the only place I want to turn is to Him. that's the thing about losing everything.....when you get there, you find that you can either turn away from Him or run to Him.....i chose to run and it has brought me more  blessings than I ever imagined in the form of friends, relationships and extreme faith in making my dreams a reality. it hasn't been easy...and i've been angry...but i cannot deny that i am so blessed.

so 1825 days later....i am still so very here....and while chris' life was short, it was well-lived. i am going to celebrate that every day but especially today.