emotional.

there's something to be said about letting yourself off the hook. after 7 days of emotional uncertainty, i am trying harder than i have previously to let go of the many things on my heart.
i lost a friend last week....by no fault of my own....but she's gone. and i cannot tell you how that hurts my heart. especially since i was so excited to work beside her. after some very hard conversations and a lot of soul searching, i'm reminded and very aware that nothing lasts forever and even if you build a relationship, it can easily be broken. and that's hard.

on top of that, i have been fighting the awful hardness that came with showing up somewhere i'd avoided for 5 years. last thursday, i was on my way to summerfest with one of my friends when he told me he needed to make a pitstop at miller park to pick up his race packet for sunday. i have avoided that place like the plague. it was the very last thing i did with chris. he was such a brewer fan--more than most and as we pulled into the stadium and made the same loop i had made with him a dozen times, i felt my heart clench and come so close to breaking. it was surreal. i remembered him so hard....it smelled like him...and while it brought me comfort for a few moments, it mostly reminded me why those things are still so hard for me. i felt like i was in the middle of a very bad dream and had no idea what i was supposed to about it. there was no way out and it felt like a brick house was just laying there on my chest.....and then, before i knew it, we were gone and i was prepared to cry and feel something awful but instead was distracted by some of the people i love the most....so it hit me much later and has stayed with me through the weekend.

yesterday i allowed myself the space to process all of that and the many ways i need to continue to move forward which also means purging relationships that are no longer serving a purpose....one of my most beloved relationships is no longer making me a better human and it was time to put on my brave face and conquer the many feelings i had been fighting lately. so. in true olivia fashion, i decided to take a deep breath and let go. it sucked. it was hard. but it was necessary. it's crazy the many ways that life changes and, even more, the ways that you must change together in order to remain close. if you're not growing together you're growing apart, in every relationship you have. so, in an effort to keep my personal vision for myself in line, i followed that rule....and it hurts....but the hard stuff makes you grow. i believe that because i know it to be true....even if it's one of the hardest truths i know.

and, finally, the last of my hard days for a while is just around the corner. in four days, my husband would be celebrating ihs 34th birthday...i cannot imagine him any older...in fact, it's weird to me that we could have ever been older together....and while his birthday is one of the "easier" hard days, it still makes me stop in my tracks and look at how i'm spending my days and minutes. they all count. each of them....which is exactly why this hard stuff has gotten me right down deep in my soul.

so tonight, i am reminded to keep breathing. that sometimes the days when you've kept your head above water are worth more than gold....and that tomorrow has to be better. i know that, in the end, it'll be alright....it's just getting there that is the hard part. i also know that i'm stronger than i think and, on days like today, i am reminding myself of just that.