deep breath, commence.

I just took the biggest breath I've taken in quite a while. It's been a long time coming. If I'm being honest, I feel like I've been holding for the better part of 6 weeks....knowing that my hard days were all coming in great succession and feeling like I have been waiting for july 12th to grace my calendar for too long.

I have contemplated a lot lately....many changes and losses that have wrecked my heart and even more uncertainty and hope for a future that I cannot fully plan. I'm a doer and believe fully in shaping my life around the dreams and goals I have for myself. I carefully cultivate one, two and five year plans. I choose to surround myself with successful, like-minded and driven individuals.

And, sometimes I don't always meet all my goals. Sometimes I lose sight, change direction and feel like I've failed.

But if I allow myself permission to also see the many things I have done I find that there is much to be proud of and strength in the ability to start over.

So while I have lately felt like I am miserably failing at work and fighting the feeling like I'm not doing enough in my business or at home, I have allowed myself to take off the blinders and see the many things I am doing right and well....even if it's just for a short time.

this is the last year of my 20's....so it, of course, feels like I need to do something big. I'm not sure what--but something to symbolize the end of this era. I have done well, especially in the last few weeks, at living in my present, doing what i can and trying not to take on too much. I know it's a balance and it will all change....but right now, I feel like all I've got to do is figure out a few very hard challenges and I'll be alright....and that, right now, is more than enough.

So, while i consider all of the plans I've made and the many things I've set out to do, I am also very aware that it's entirely okay to let myself off the hook for the many things I wanted to accomplish but didn't. I also believe, fully, that I've done a lot of other fantastic things that I never expected. Give and take. Ebb and flow. Knowing that you can fake it for as long as you possibly can until you get it together again. Believing that you are more than you can see....and knowing that you are your own worst critic.

I have faith that what I've done is plenty. I also believe that celebrating today was less about what I lost and more about what i still have. It's easy to lose sight of that and while I was certainly said, I am also beyond grateful for the many who have come to my side and rescue lately. These days will always be hard...even with an open heart for the chance at love to come again. I cannot compare my journey to anyone else's.....so, because I love hard, I will always feel them and I will always miss him. That doesn't mean I'm not still moving forward or fighting another relationship....it means that someone gave me so much of himself that I will never forget it....and I am grateful to have experienced his love on this earth.

It isn't easy. One foot in front of the other is hard. But I'm doing it. And tonight especially, I am breathing through it.

I'm glad the worst of the hard days is nearly over. I'm more glad to report that I survived them all....because that, friends, is plenty.