.Fifteen Months.

For good measure, I want to reflect on today. Today is 15 months since I last laid eyes on my beautiful Christopher....and so much has changed since then. I remember this time last year--Christmas was creeping in, Thanksgiving, the change of seasons....the cold....the long winter I was dreading....the tears, the laughter, the numbness...all of it is so fresh in my mind still. I don't know why that stuff stays with you. I mean, those ugly moments have a way of sticking around. The difference now is that they are mostly just an after thought....and my heart is filled with more hope than anything else. I am hopeful that my future will be filled with more of the beautiful moments than the ugly. While it takes time for that...I am hopeful.

In fact, I am hopeful and even a bit excited for Christmas this year. I've been thinking of getting myself a new tree. Ours has been quite climbed on from the cats and I compromised for color lights when I really wanted white. Chris thought white was boring. So, maybe I can go with boring this year.....boring is good sometimes. And, maybe a smaller one...maybe even a real one. Except real ones are a lot of work. Hmm. Decisions and options. I'll probably still get a fake one....I do boring well.

I still dread the long cold winters but this year I'm doing better at occupying my time. I've got things going on, stuff planned, and well, more activities that are less about distractions and more about constructive things that make me happy...or happier. You know, the good stuff that I wasn't so aware of this time last year.

Fifteen months...I still can't wrap my brain around that number. Fifteen. 1-5. It feels so long. In the grand scheme of things, it really isn't....but each day feels like forever. Sometimes the minutes still feel like hours and most of the time I stand back wondering if it could really be this long since I heard his voice or saw him smile or felt his arms wrap around me...and then I am reminded that it has been this long and while the days that pass are hard....most of the time, they're pretty all right. I laugh with my whole heart and I have joy in my life again. I sing as if no one can hear me and I listen harder to the people I love.....I dream bigger...I pray more.....and I love deeper. 

Sometimes people lose someone they love and they become bitter and angry instead of appreciating what we still have left. Believe me, I know as much as the next person that it doesn't always feel like much....but I also know that I am so blessed. I believe my heart will explode again....and for what reason, I'm not quite sure. So much of it is just having faith that this is just part of the journey. Yes, it happened to me. The love of my life died...but I'm not the only one it's ever happened to and it won't define me. It's just part of me. A big part.....but only part. I still appreciate being called Mrs. and I still am Olivia....I can be both....because God gave me the gift and, at times, the burden of being both....but it is because of hope, faith, and a lot of love, that I stand here today with more strength than I could have ever imagined having....all because of one man who would change the course of my life forever....and how blessed am I that he chose me. Beautifully blessed.