.Goodbye To You.

I have taken a lot of time to really think about this decision...mostly because, when your heart is as big as mine is, you don't want to hurt anyone and you want to know that the decision you've made has been well thought out and that every opportunity has been given in which to turn things around. 


It's not a matter of fault...there was no big blow up...and there certainly hasn't been a "defining moment" in deciding that it's time to end a friendship that still means so much to me....sometimes, you just begin to accept that the person and friend they were once isn't the friend and person they are anymore....and, truthfully, I really need the person they were before....so, perhaps, a lot of little moments that lead to believe it was time to begin moving on. 


Life is busy...we are all busy...and because of this, the time that I do have is limited and needs to be spent with people who truly do want and deserve my friendship. I have very clearly, multiple times, laid out the expectations I have...and some people may think I ask for too much but each and every time they look me in the eye and make promises they can't possibly keep. Part of me is hopeful that it's not purposeful and another larger part of me knows that it easy to want to please someone and so we make empty commitments that always end up coming up short...and someone is always disappointed...usually the one to which something was promised. There is no apology....they couldn't possibly feel bad for swapping you with another, more important friend....but you sure feel sucker punched when you truly realize the rank in the priority list and you find yourself wondering where exactly on the totem pole you fit...if, at all. Harder than all of that is knowing that once you knew your place and while people change...the part you've lost is that you haven't changed together...somewhere along the lines you got lost in translation and one of you is still standing at the train station waiting to board while the other is long gone by now. 


The tricky part is the many ways your lives are tangled together...you will undoubtedly see each other and interact with each other...and it will be awkward and uncomfortable at times...but you will tell yourselves that it can't possible be as strange as you think it is. The silence that was once easy is now awkward and tense and your heart which once understood this person is now bewildered, sad, and empty....really empty. 


The first few days are hard...you hear or see something and you want to call them, but you don't...because you're, A...fearful they won't answer and B...knowing that you could find a million reasons to try this again but you know that the past will likely repeat itself....and you just don't have it in you to wait it out, again...so instead you begin the long, hard walk into acceptance and while your heart breaks you know you have got to be stronger for it in the end...there is no way you would have gone through all of this if you wouldn't but if I'm being completely honest, you're not sure of that very thought. You might just need that person who has come through every now and again to be there for that "now and again" time when your struggles seem so much bigger than you. Somehow, though, you put on your brave face and keep walking...and, it is my great hope that, before I know it, I will remember you only as someone I grew apart from and all of the hurt and bad feelings will be gone...that seeing your face won't feel like a dagger to my heart and that I will be thankful for the brief part of my life you were once a staple in. 


In the mean time, I am patiently waiting for that very moment.