.Hindsight.

I have really been struggling lately...with a variety of things...failing friendships...body image...whether or not "here" is where I'm supposed to be...and, of course, if I'm actually ever going to figure it out. That's the thing..just when I think I've got it...when I feel like I'm "golden" God shakes me a little harder and reminds me that nothing is ever really "safe." 


I am the queen of inspiration....or so it would appear. I post those sentences that pop into my head in hopes that it makes you think and consider things you hadn't before...or maybe it will make you take a hard look in the mirror....and they're the very things I consider myself....and I rarely let anyone see the part of me that struggles, hurts, and is desperately crying for help. I was faced just Friday with one of those moments and the shuffle of the business of setting up games and life reminded me that, by no fault of my own, we are not always warranted the time we need and often we cry out for help at all of the wrong times in all of the wrong places. It was terrible timing that left me feeling leveled, needing to take my bravest face and put it on....and so, I did. 


The thing about those moments is they are designed to teach us about ourselves....how strong we are, how much we can take, and how much we SHOULDN'T take on our own. Often, I wait for far too long to lean on someone else and by then it feels as if I am already losing the battle....and I've already convinced myself that the very doubts I have are true and will define me...instead of seeing the good in me--the beauty in myself--the friends that have stayed--the God who has loved me through it and in spite of it. 


I think we all have such a desire to take everything on ourselves...let's face it--we were all raised to believe we could do it all. Every teacher, my own parents, friends, and colleagues have all told me at one time or another that I could have it all--the husband, 2.5 kids, hypoallergenic dog, successful carreer(s) AND happiness...all rolled into one...but the act of taking it all on has been exhausting...especially because my plans didn't really go as planned...but the hopeful girl in me still believes that one day I will be waiting for the days when I complained only about my house being messy and not having time to fit in a nap while I chase around those two and a half kids all with strong names who are trying to grab the dog's tail and have dinner in the oven and am just waiting for Mr. Wonderful to walk through the door after a long day....that's the thing about Hope--it's more than just a pretty word--it's a state of being....a true state of believing in the simple fact that, like Annie says, the sun will come out tomorrow. 


But everyone, even me, loses sight of that very hope-filled feeling. Everyone has moments of feeling lost, unsure, and completely left behind. Perhaps it is the change of seasons that has taken me into the hardened parts of my heart or the exhaustion that has surrounded me lately. Either way, my hope has been lacking and my heart is tired....but I am aware of perspective and just how bad things could be. I know more than most that time stops for no one and I think I'm finally recognizing that resisting the changes that have occurred in my life....sometimes so rapidly...will not take me anywhere....and certainly won't bring back what's been lost--relationships, friends, missed opportunities, and a million other "what ifs" that sometimes haunt me. I gain nothing from digging in the past...and yet, I have spent far too long dwelling in it. These are the moments where I have to remind myself to let myself off the hook....that I can't change what's happened to me--even when I did laugh so hard my chocolate milk came spewing out of my nose in 4th grade and I felt like I was going to die--but I can let.it.all.go. 


I have hope that someday I will see myself for who I really am...that someday I will know with all certainty that I am right where I'm supposed to be....that fewer expectations make less disappointment....and that His plan for me is greater than anything I could ever begin to imagine if only I trust in it. 


And, for the record, if I had known that the chocolate milk incident was going to be the least of my worries it might have changed my high school career...especially that awful meeting with the softball hill my freshman year as the senior boy I was convinced would marry me drove by while I was writhing in pain nearly eating grass....if only I had known it then.