Goodbye is never easy.

I feel like I have so much to say today...I'm not sure where it's all pouring from, except that my heart is exploding with words that maybe weren't there just a few days or weeks ago. I recognized today that, for too long, I allowed myself to be used by a "friend" in hopes that it solidify my spot in his life....and I feel foolish. This friend, who I still care so much about, rearranged his priorities by who could do or give him something in return...and whether or not he realized it, he put me at the top of the list for every wrong reason--babysitter, listener, at times-housekeeper, someone else in the house, and I'm sure a bunch of other things that "filled" the empty hole in his heart at the time....the problem is that, for me, it wasn't a matter of convenience...and now that  he's found someone else...and I know that only through the grapevine...well, I am no longer needed, important, or anything at all in his life. It's been nearly 2 months since I've seen him....and maybe even longer since he checked in on me. He always called me his little sister but family doesn't leave family....and now I'm a bit peeved, mostly hurt, and left wondering how you just leave someone. I've reached out....gotten a few word responses here and there....and, aside from bits and pieces I hear from other people, I have now become a spectator in his life. Wow. 


He made a lot of promises that I know he won't follow through on....and while I'm not entirely surprised, I had bigger hopes than I should have...that's my fault I suppose. Expectations always do me in...and while I've spent the last 6 weeks thinking about the many memories we made and all the times we laughed, I'm having a hard time accepting that God brought him to me and me to him for just a short time....and that my "big brother" has chosen to walk away without even giving me a reason why....and that, until the bottom falls out again--if it ever will, I will be taking a backseat....and that is one hard pill to swallow. 


I never considered that this would have happened....that the many times we stayed up and promised each other that whenever we found someone else we'd still leave room for the other would change when that scenario came into play. I feel foolish and a bit angry at myself for allowing myself to be used...and because I'm a giver and he was one of my best friends I just wanted to be there for him and his family....and here I am, big brother-less, and there he is-completely oblivious to the fact that I even feel like this....wrapped up in his new life, himself, and I'd be lying if I told you I didn't miss him because I do...but you learn people's true colors real fast when you need them the most.


I've learned a lot of hard lessons from him....that sometimes the people who say they love you don't know what real love really is....because real love doesn't abandon you when the next best thing comes along...that sometimes you learn the hard way who a person really is....that all the good intentions in the world won't fix this....that your birthday dinner absolutely won't come, even though he still tells you it will....that your heart needs to put some relationships away so that it doesn't get bitter...and seeing someone through the hardest times doesn't mean they'll keep you around for the better ones. 


I think this is goodbye...at least, from me.....because there isn't a single thing left to say that he'll even hear. All the talking in the world won't make him see how hurt and saddened I am that this friendship lasted for only a short time....that someone who I confided in, relied on, made a place for as family, laughed with, considered a best friend, cried with, and dreamed with has closed the space for me in his heart...and maybe not entirely on purpose but then again, maybe entirely on purpose. 


And, for the first time in those six weeks, I have finally allowed myself to cry...to recognize the loss and to grieve a friendship that I thought I'd be able to count on forever. The reality of it all is sinking in...and the missing him sucks....what's worse is being a spectator in a life you care so much about....or maybe that the big brother I had grown used to walked away--on his own accord, without even telling me....and without me even doing anything wrong.....for the second time--the only difference is, I don't think he's coming back this time. 


He likely will never read these words or know how my heart is breaking...and I guess it's enough to know that I've at least gotten it off my heart for now. That has to be enough.


The worst part of all is that I still need my big brother...but he doesn't at all need his little sis.