.Vanity.

We are all entitled to be a bit vain every now and again...I suppose now is that time for me. I have never considered myself to be at all consumed with how I look...in fact, it usually takes me about 20 minutes to get ready in the morning--hair, makeup, out the door. I have always prided myself in being pretty but not beautiful...and I say that not in a negative way but a very honest real fashion. This week, though, has given me a reality check when it comes to my vanity when I woke up Wednesday morning with quite a case of poison oak. 


I noticed two spots on my arm on Tuesday, didn't think much of it, flew home from Virginia and went on with my normal day to day activities. Wednesday, though, hit me like a ton of bricks. I woke up with all of these bumps on my face--all over my face--my forehead, lips, cheeks, chin, and nose. At first I thought it was the chicken pox because I've never had them before but I quickly remembered being in the woods this past weekend and decided it had to be poison ivy, poison oak, or poison sumac....after some googling and a lot of itching I decided on poison oak. You can't tell from the picture of my face--I think it just looks pretty blotchy but if you got a close up look you'd think I was 13, just got my first period and training bra, and a bonus breakout just for fun....and because I've also been on prednisone and a super anti-itch cream that lasts about an hour before I want to claw out my face again. I was urged to go to the doctor because of the proximity of it all to my eyes--and as bad as it is, I can't even imagine if it would have gotten in my eyes. OUCH!


Anyway, it's given me some time to consider the vanity in me...I've always been one of those people who has said that people should love you for who you are...I think I do a pretty good job of that with others but learned quickly that I don't do that with myself.....at all. Immediately I ran to my boss asking if I looked okay, if you could notice, and spent the day wondering how many of my patients would notice or say anything. Most of my patients didn't say anything but then there were the handful who, upon noticing, said, with fear in their voice at the answer, "What happened to your FACE?...is that a RASH?...and (my favorite) Oh my gosh! I didn't know you could break out like that in your 20's" and, I was immediately upset because A.) people noticed and B.) they asked about it. I guess I had hoped that if people did notice they just wouldn't say anything because that would be rude and if I was a health hazard I wouldn't be here. Wishful thinking I suppose. Yesterday my face was a bit more red so I got more questions yesterday and am expecting more today as a new batch flood through the office. 


In the midst of my itching and feeling like the phantom of the opera, I had gotten every cream, lotion, and potion that showed any sign of hope for relieving the itching, drying out the oils that had infected my face, and thought I could bypass every person who told me I'd just need to wait it out....turns out, none of those creams, lotions, or potions allowed me to bypass....I am currently waiting it out. I wake up every morning hoping that it has dissipated or, better yet, disappeared, and each morning I am met with a twinge of disappointment when I still see it lingering there. The itching is what gets me...it's literally like something crawling in your skin. Remember when your mom would tell you to stop picking at your skin or that zit and she'd tell you she'll make you sit on your hands--yep, I'm at that point...the sitting on your hands point. 


In all of this, I've taken a good, hard look at the many facets in which I have viewed myself. Of course, everyone wants to be noticed and beautiful and well-liked....of course, we all wish that shirt that we just love would fit us like a glove but we're all different for a reason. I was driving to work this morning when the song "Beautiful Things" came on my iPod.....there is a line that says "You make me new...You are making me new" and I considered that this change, while physical for now, might change the way I see myself and others. This change is uncomfortable, painful at times, and definitely not what I had in mind...but, it sure has made me think about what I am choosing to see in myself and others. I can tell you that I haven't always been kind and that I have judged when I shouldn't have...that I have often wondered if people realized what they were wearing when they left the house in the morning...and that I've envied others "perfect" looks and beauty. The funny thing is, we're all just people...and I look this way because none of us are meant to be the same. It doesn't mean that I'm any more or less attractive than anyone else...I am not anyone else...so comparison is pointless and self-defeating...but every time I got overlooked by "that" guy or I got passed up for "that" job or I didn't get what I thought I deserved, I allowed it to be a physical thing...instead of it being preference....and we all have our own varying versions of what we prefer, like, and dislike. 


I am challenging myself to see myself, flawed and all, as a beautiful person....to stop getting caught up on my looks that will eventually fade anyway but to nurture the soul in me that can see the beauty in everyone, starting with myself....to see, with a more God-like love than I have before, that we all have a light inside of us that we simply cannot deny...and that very light will guide someone, many people even, at different points in their lives....so, for today, I'm going to love this face--eruptions and all--and I'm going to smile about it. At this point, there's not much else I can do anyway....with this, and with much of life, I'm just going to wait it out.