Butterflies.

I don't know why it feels like next week is coming on unexpectedly...I certainly have been watching the calendar...counting down the days even....and here it is, less than seven days away....and here I am, feeling like the world is crashing in on me already. I know I'm entitled and everyone grieves in their own way and blah blah blah, but I just miss him...I keep asking for a sign....for something to tell me I'm on the right path....but I can't seem to find it or see it....or maybe no sign is a sign in itself.

This whole week feels surreal....we had our first date on this day, 8 years ago....and I can still remember what he wore and what I wore and the nervousness in my smile...would he like me, would I be enough, would someone more worthy catch his attention? Then, before I knew it, he was climbing the stairs--I saw his reflection in the mirror--and there was no turning back. I knew there was something amazing about him the moment we met....and I still get butterflies when I think about it. But, I'm human, and there is much of me that still wonders how a man so good could be taken so young....and while I know that it is not my place to ask questions and that faith means trusting without seeing the end point on this journey...my heart has such a desire to know. I also realize that if it had not been for this man, eight years ago down to the very moment, I would not be here...in Manitowoc....with the people in my life that I have and everything would be drastically different--maybe even worse than it sometimes feels now. 

I'm strong....most of the time...but I feel myself coming apart at the seams....and I suppose that's okay....for a little while. The beauty in the breakdown is that it doesn't last forever....that by this time next year I will be further than I am now....and that 2 years ago I remember telling people that I couldn't imagine moving on....that there is no way I could have a life without him in it....and that I would never feel joy again....but all of those things are wrong. I've moved on--cautiously at times....and with a heavy heart--but I've kept on moving...and I have a beautiful life filled with love and beautiful people and he's still in so much of it....and I have felt joy....laughed with my whole heart...and smiled wider than I thought possible.

4:30 pm. June 20, 2003....that's when I met my husband....that's when God put me in the palm of His hand and told me to trust Him....hold on tight....and brought me the sweetest butterflies I'd ever known.