.Open Door.

I wasn't going to post about this but it is heavy on my heart and so....I need to....for myself. I had some electrical work done last week and I wasn't home--I left the side door open, they took care of it and went on their merry little way. Well, today, I went in the basement to do laundry and they must have used the bathroom down there (where Chris died) and they left the door open....the door that I shut 14 months and 5 days ago.....and it knocked the wind out of me. I know they couldn't have known....but I wasn't expecting it and I wasn't prepared...it was just there, staring me in the face--the picture I can never erase from my mind.....the screaming, the fear, the loss, the man I so loved that I couldn't help...the asthma attack that rocked my world.....staring me right in the face as I tried to just keep walking toward my washing machine....but I stopped and I cried. A lot. 

I've spent a lot of today thinking about Chris....living in the moment....and considering the thousand what if's that surrounded that day. It doesn't happen often that I find myself back here....reliving those moments...but I guess sometimes it's necessary. I believe that it might have been time to open the door...but I wish I had some warning...ha, that's ironic. God hasn't warned me for much in this life...and I'm not sure why I think I'm above Him sometimes....like I deserve to know....how arrogant of me. I guess God has a good way of throwing in a reality check every now and again...and maybe it's what I needed but certainly not what I wanted. 

I know that I will never understand....and that when I get to Heaven it won't really matter....but what about the time between now and then? I'm not quite sure. I guess that's part of the process....the not knowing...and the learning to trust that this didn't happen to all of us without good reason.

Maybe Chris knew it was time to open the door....to let myself heal fully....and you can't do that without revisiting the past....and then maybe I can put it away....in the very special place in my heart where our love still lives on. I don't know why things happen the way they do....but I didn't shut the door....I left it...and I can't tell you why....I just did....and maybe that's enough on a day like today. A little hope that soon enough I will see it for what it is......an open door.