digging.

i have been doing a lot of soul searching lately....professionally and personally i have struggled in many places....and i always find that the moments when you are at a crossroads usually cause 2 responses for me....get in there and dig or run.

so, in an attempt for more....i've been digging.

it hasn't always been easy...and it has been hard. my heart physically hurts some days. those are the days when i get home and feel a bit lost and exhausted.....i also feel like there have been days, especially lately, where i have begun to think about big steps and decisions...like putting this house up for sale and donating the rest of chris' things instead of hanging on to them like a hoarder. they're just things...but they're his things...and while i don't look at them often, if at all, it is a little comforting knowing that they're just upstairs if i should need them. the beautiful part about this digging is it's made me realize i don't need them. i have him with me everywhere. it's like ee cummings said...."i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)" and i believe that.

speaking of hearts, the most difficult lesson i've learned as of late is to accept and be okay with the fact that people love differently. a blog (or three) ago i let it all out about how hard it is....and you know what, it's still hard for someone like me. really hard some days. because i don't. get. it. but it's not impossible. it's perspective. i wear my heart on the outside and it's the best part of me. it doesn't mean i need to wear it less. it just means i have to be aware that other people's hearts are on the inside (technically mine is too, i am aware). i believe that understanding who people are is important....it takes a lot of compromise and care. i also believe that watching my dogs tug an old toy not made for tugging makes me laugh because any minute it will break and one of them is going to go flying. which leads to my next point.

living presently. i've made it my goal this birthday to be more present in my 29th year. i don't know if it's because 30 seems SO scary and big that it's allowed me the space to truly enjoy the minutes. my friend mike casey says, "if you focus on right now, i bet there's nowhere else you'd rather be" and he's right. i feel like i've learned that so much lately. it's why i've been working my heart out at making time for myself. every single day. carving time and minutes that will make life slow down just a little. but, in all of my digging, i have found that i am better and happier when i'm surrounded by my friends, family and the kids in my life.

and you know what?

it feels good.

i'm a better person to myself which makes me better for everyone else...and that's really an amazing feeling for me because it's validation that i'm doing everything i'm supposed to.

it also means i need to do more of it....that's the real challenge i think.

although, it becomes inherently easier to do when you feel like you're at the crossroads....because, if i'm being honest, i hate forks. they could be used as a weapon if necessary and, aside from eating, have no other use....which is why i am not a fan of forks in the road.

i am thankful for the space to learn and the ability to find what truly makes me happiest and do it. i feel like it would have been much easier to run. in fact, i know it would have, but it wouldn't have taught me a single thing. if there's anything i know, it's that there is always a lesson...but if you leave before you learn it, it's just a crappy situation.

so, if you find yourself in a position where you aren't sure if you should run or dig, i suggest digging....not because it's easy but because it makes you grow. it's dirty and there are rocks and sometimes even glass....but when you plow through all your stuff, you'll find a great big hole ready to be filled with the things YOU want and love. that may be my favorite part so far....filling it back up....with the things that make me happiest.

so, if you should find yourself needing a shovel anytime soon, i'd be happy to lend you mine.

happy friday, friends!