Keep the faith.

I believe in starting over. If I didnt, well, I wouldn't have made it this far. 


I am exhausted today. I have felt so many emotions in such a short amount of time and can't process them all at once. Losing my grandma today set off what feels like a thousand triggers. She is the first person I've lost since Chris that was close enough for me to feel the impact of the tremors...almost like an earthquake. After I said goodbye on Tuesday, I came home and put in my wedding videos and got lost in translation for what seemed like an eternity. I know that God has created our hearts to heal but, in healing, I don't remember things like I used to. I don't remember his laugh or the way his eyes lit up when he smiled....how he always thought I was much funnier than I actually am...how he always knew just what to say....how he balanced my heart without even knowing....and the moments I need those very things, he is another universe away.


You see, I've determined that if I remembered everything, I would live in the past completely so I am understanding the purpose in it...I just wish that in these, my weakest moments, there was more clarity than I have....anything definite...anything that remotely makes my heart feel like it isn't going to fall apart again....and so, I wait out the storm--like any person in a crisis, I am unsure of when the tide will turn and when these waves will stop crashing over me....but I am trying to see all of the good things and the many characteristics of myself that are resilient and redeeming. My heart has bounced back from so much and I have so bravely gone for everything I've wanted....but it isn't exactly easy for me to be the catalyst. Sometimes, I just want to be the one who gets to sit back and take it all in...but I'm learning that I wasn't made for that. At some point, you just find yourself breathing and laughing and doing all of the necessary things to get through the days and the moments....you reach out to the few people you trust and mostly you just tell people you're okay and you don't disclose anything major....just keep on swimming, right? 


I find that I am learning to be patient, although it is hard....but mostly, I'm learning that God has placed a lot of responsibility on my shoulders for a reason that I don't yet understand. I have come a long way....but there are always bumps and bruises...and just when you think you've got it figured out, something else comes your way that throws you off. 


For tonight, as uncertain as I am today, I am hopeful that I will see my own strength and see the beauty in the many ways I've begun again...started over...and kept on believing.